RAIN, RAIN, GO AWAY...
It rained practically all day. It's
funny because I don't remember the rain being so much last time I was here in
2010, even though I came in the middle of June. My favorite thing about the
rain is the way that it makes it impossible to hear anything when it gets
really strong. It makes you feel small like at any moment the roof might give
way to the torrent that's stomping on your roof and you might be carried away
in a flood of rain. I also like the way it makes you feel so sound and
comfortable, warm and dry in your house while a whole different world is going
on eight inches away through the wall. Hardly anyone braved the rain to come to
their lesson. By the time the rain was through it was night time. I had enjoyed
being inside watching movies for most of the day, but went outside when I heard
some kids laughing and screaming. Ronald, Lucy, Julia, Susy... all of them were
there covered in mud. I took pictures, of course, laughing at them. They had
just had a mudfight and after pictures went to their houses to shower off and
clean up before youth group. I met them all there, clean and happy, and we then
had a beautiful night of worship, and a sermon about - you guessed it - God!
Haha, of course it was about God. What else? So the God topic this week was
"God Called You," which is so God. I know you have probably
experienced it before where you ask God a question or ask someone to pray for
something, and then God answers, and answers, and answers, and answers. I mean,
it's just like Jesus and the disciples. He had to explain things so many times
just so that they would GET it, and make it stick. God is the same way with us;
He'll tell you something once but then He'll tell you again, because most of
the time once isn't enough for us. This trip God has had two main focal points
for me - one, telling me to let go. Just let it go, Kellie. Let me be God and
you can just love Me and enjoy what I have for you, without trying to make
everything work the way you want it to. The other thing He keeps telling me is
that He has a plan specifically for me, cut out of a unique and particular
design that He thought of before the creation of time. And somehow
I don't know really when it
happened, but at some point along the line I got my dreams taken away from me.
I just stopped dreaming, stopped believing that I was going to do anything
extraordinary, which scared me. I don't really want to be average, but I just
started believing I was average in every way. What a big fat ugly lie, right?
Anyway, God has been telling me this over and over and over again that He does
have big plans for me and He's called me to do something amazing, because He's
called everyone to do something incredible. The verse for this week is Romans
8:28-30, which has come up more than once while I've been here. It's the verse
surrounding my friend's death, the verse that keeps coming up during Bible
studies, on Facebook, in books... this particular day my mom has sent me a
letter from home and in the letter written for me to look at Romans 8:28-30. I
just laughed. So it didn't surprise me when that was the verse we focused on at
youth group.
"28 And we know that for those who love God all things work
together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. 29 For
those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son,
in order that Jesus might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. 30
And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he
also made worthy, and those whom he justified in worthiness he also
glorified."
Love God = all things work together for my good. My call, His purpose. I am made like Jesus so that I can be called, worthy, and glorified, all for His glory and His plan. That sounds good to me. That's like a win-win-win situation. The truth is that everyone, myself more than anyone, needs to stop doubting how amazing they are and start believing that God made them awesome, with an extraordinary future in store. You're amazing, you know? There's just one of you.
Love God = all things work together for my good. My call, His purpose. I am made like Jesus so that I can be called, worthy, and glorified, all for His glory and His plan. That sounds good to me. That's like a win-win-win situation. The truth is that everyone, myself more than anyone, needs to stop doubting how amazing they are and start believing that God made them awesome, with an extraordinary future in store. You're amazing, you know? There's just one of you.
MUD
Well, originally, the plan was to hide out all day after
church, avoiding the kids that wanted to throw me into the mud pit like they
had done to their friends the night before. I had changed clothes just in case,
and was watching TV with the Frazer kids when Ronald came to knock on the door.
Every week Ronald comes to Casa Angelina on Fridays and leaves on Sunday
afternoon. He's in the military, training to be a pilot, but the rest of his
family lives here as a "House Family." All week he is in the city
going to school and it is always a wonderful day Friday when he comes around -
Ronald is one of my best friends here. We have so much fun. Anyway, he came
knocking on the door and said "Don't worry I'm not here to throw you into
the mud, I just wanted to give you a hug goodbye because I'm leaving." It
was around 2:30, when he usually leaves every week, so I reluctantly believed
him. And then had military-built arms picking me up and carrying me to the
pool-sized mud puddle surrounded by 6 or 7 other kids. I tried to run once, but
that's pretty much a lost cause when there's a circle of motivated kids
surrounding you. So I stood by that old saying "If you can't beat them,
join them." I wasn't going to get away from this, so I might as well enjoy
it. I had a wrestling match initially, trying to stay upright, but ended up
laying in the mud looking at the cloudy gray sky. Mud squishing in on all
sides... I could feel it crawling it's way down my back, seeping into my hair.
Then, I took out the legs of the person standing next to me. And war began.
Throwing mudballs, sneaking up behind people with handfuls of slippery brown goo waiting to wash someone's hair with it, pushing, pulling, falling, tossing, running away even though we were already covered. By the end of it Lucy was laying face-up in the mudbath letting Susy apply a generous amount of mud to her face as an exfoliant. We helped eachother cover every last bit of color in brown.
An hour later we walked down the row of houses, getting pictures taken, letting everyone enjoy our happy, sloppy mess. I was pretty excited to take a shower. So I somehow managed to get out of the mud clothes and then came to find out that there wasn't actually...any water. So I put on some OTHER non-mud-covered clothes and walked to the Frazers to borrow their shower. It took a long. Long. Long. Time. To get all of the mud out of my hair. Never felt so good to be clean. And you know what? My skin was really soft after that - all natural exfoliant (oh yeah, baby)!
Throwing mudballs, sneaking up behind people with handfuls of slippery brown goo waiting to wash someone's hair with it, pushing, pulling, falling, tossing, running away even though we were already covered. By the end of it Lucy was laying face-up in the mudbath letting Susy apply a generous amount of mud to her face as an exfoliant. We helped eachother cover every last bit of color in brown.
An hour later we walked down the row of houses, getting pictures taken, letting everyone enjoy our happy, sloppy mess. I was pretty excited to take a shower. So I somehow managed to get out of the mud clothes and then came to find out that there wasn't actually...any water. So I put on some OTHER non-mud-covered clothes and walked to the Frazers to borrow their shower. It took a long. Long. Long. Time. To get all of the mud out of my hair. Never felt so good to be clean. And you know what? My skin was really soft after that - all natural exfoliant (oh yeah, baby)!
THE MONDAY MOVE
I just wanted to name this post the Monday Move, but it’s really not that exciting. I moved again! It’s so funny because I’ve been here for 76 days or something, and moved 4 times! First move was from Colorado to here, and I’m counting it because I had to unpack all of my things. It’s so weird to think that I started out in the Hospitality House taking care of Monica – that feels like a different life! I remember all of the long nights and they seem so far away and strange!
Then I moved to Casa Genesis with all of the teenage girls, and what a completely unique experience that was! I will never be able to recreate that. Hardest and also most wonderful and rewarding living situation I’ve ever been in. It’s a beautiful thing that I got the chance to do that.
After that, to the Assembly House with Lucia! That one doesn’t seem so strange or far away, probably because it was just last week that I was living there, but man, that was a whole different thing in and of itself. Starting lessons and doing different things with my time than I had here before.
And now, I have moved BACK to the apartment, Hospitality House, but this time I am strangely and completely on my own. After running in and out of the rain, moving things between classes and lessons, I am moved in and completely alone for the first time in 2.5 months. It’s such a weird feeling. Once my lessons were over my house was empty… and I took a few minutes just to remember what to do with myself. I am having to re-learn alone time, and it’s a beautiful blessing! I feel so thankful that I’m going to have this time to reflect and kick it with God, just looking and thinking about the things I’ve done here and seeing how I’ve changed. I get the next two weeks to understand what’s been done to my heart, and understand exactly who is that person looking back at me in the mirror. There isn’t a way that any of you can understand all that’s happened to me here, but I hope that when I get back I won’t have to explain the difference. My prayer is that you’ll be able to see it.
I just wanted to name this post the Monday Move, but it’s really not that exciting. I moved again! It’s so funny because I’ve been here for 76 days or something, and moved 4 times! First move was from Colorado to here, and I’m counting it because I had to unpack all of my things. It’s so weird to think that I started out in the Hospitality House taking care of Monica – that feels like a different life! I remember all of the long nights and they seem so far away and strange!
Then I moved to Casa Genesis with all of the teenage girls, and what a completely unique experience that was! I will never be able to recreate that. Hardest and also most wonderful and rewarding living situation I’ve ever been in. It’s a beautiful thing that I got the chance to do that.
After that, to the Assembly House with Lucia! That one doesn’t seem so strange or far away, probably because it was just last week that I was living there, but man, that was a whole different thing in and of itself. Starting lessons and doing different things with my time than I had here before.
And now, I have moved BACK to the apartment, Hospitality House, but this time I am strangely and completely on my own. After running in and out of the rain, moving things between classes and lessons, I am moved in and completely alone for the first time in 2.5 months. It’s such a weird feeling. Once my lessons were over my house was empty… and I took a few minutes just to remember what to do with myself. I am having to re-learn alone time, and it’s a beautiful blessing! I feel so thankful that I’m going to have this time to reflect and kick it with God, just looking and thinking about the things I’ve done here and seeing how I’ve changed. I get the next two weeks to understand what’s been done to my heart, and understand exactly who is that person looking back at me in the mirror. There isn’t a way that any of you can understand all that’s happened to me here, but I hope that when I get back I won’t have to explain the difference. My prayer is that you’ll be able to see it.
RIGHT IDEA
Since
I am an absolute genius and have the best ideas ever, I came up with an amazing
plan on Sunday after the mud ordeal. I am leaving in two weeks, and I don’t
want to leave without squeezing out literally every blessing I can from this
experience. It’s like when you drink a CapriSun and you’ve finished it, but you
have to still suck it all up from the very bottom and then squeeze out the
final dregs of juice and twist it and roll it up until literally every last
drop has landed on your tongue. Then, my favorite part, you fold your CapriSun
juice pouch and pretend to use it as a cell phone. But that’s beside the point.
The point is I want to spend every minute I can learning more about each of these kids, kissing their faces, and loving them.
So I decided to invite myself over for dinner(s). 5 houses, 5 days of the week… what a perfect plan. So every night for the next two weeks, I’ll go over to a different house for dinner and a few hours of devotionals, games, and hugs. On Monday, I visit Casa Edmond with all the little girls. They are so beautiful and have more energy than I can keep up with, of course. Tuesday, Casa Genesis, which has also been renamed “Men of God” House since the big change. Now, I get to spend hours with some of the more energetic little boys and all of the teenage boys, which is awesome. They are crazy. Then on Wednesday, I’m at Living Waters House (Casa Agua Viva), which is a family house – meaning that there are boys and girls of all ages living there, learning to be a family unit. There’s a fantastic group of kids in this house, too. On Thursday, I go to Faith Family House, or Casa Familia de Fe, which is where my girls are at. This is where the girls that I lived with in Casa Genesis live, now that everyone moved, along with all of the other 13+ aged girls. I think in total they are 25, but they make it work! It’s amazing to see all of these girls working and living together. There are not really words, even, to explain my relationship with the girls in this house, but thinking about leaving them makes me miserable. Out of all of the people here, they have challenged me the most, and also blessed me the most. Every day they taught me something new about myself, good and bad, and every day despite it all, they loved me anyway. They demonstrate selflessness and a desire to learn, the joy that can only come through God. They have been hurt, abused, abandoned, and told they are not worthy. But I have never met any more worthy Princesses of God, who are filled with all the love you can imagine. It’s so beautiful.
Friday, then, I go to Casa Lea, which is another family house. So many kids are in that house that I adore. The boys that are in that house, I love as if they were little brothers to me. They’re always happy to see me, give me hugs, and eager to say “I love you, too,” because they do. And my very own angel, Maria, is there. She is one of the big reasons I came back here in the first place, one of the sweet faces leading me into this amazing experience.
Every house has a different flavor, and so far I’ve been blessed hugely every night. My only regret is that I didn’t come up with this idea sooner, because the time spent with each one of these kids is the sweetest and most rewarding time I could ask for. Don’t know what I’m going to do without little hands to hold.
The point is I want to spend every minute I can learning more about each of these kids, kissing their faces, and loving them.
So I decided to invite myself over for dinner(s). 5 houses, 5 days of the week… what a perfect plan. So every night for the next two weeks, I’ll go over to a different house for dinner and a few hours of devotionals, games, and hugs. On Monday, I visit Casa Edmond with all the little girls. They are so beautiful and have more energy than I can keep up with, of course. Tuesday, Casa Genesis, which has also been renamed “Men of God” House since the big change. Now, I get to spend hours with some of the more energetic little boys and all of the teenage boys, which is awesome. They are crazy. Then on Wednesday, I’m at Living Waters House (Casa Agua Viva), which is a family house – meaning that there are boys and girls of all ages living there, learning to be a family unit. There’s a fantastic group of kids in this house, too. On Thursday, I go to Faith Family House, or Casa Familia de Fe, which is where my girls are at. This is where the girls that I lived with in Casa Genesis live, now that everyone moved, along with all of the other 13+ aged girls. I think in total they are 25, but they make it work! It’s amazing to see all of these girls working and living together. There are not really words, even, to explain my relationship with the girls in this house, but thinking about leaving them makes me miserable. Out of all of the people here, they have challenged me the most, and also blessed me the most. Every day they taught me something new about myself, good and bad, and every day despite it all, they loved me anyway. They demonstrate selflessness and a desire to learn, the joy that can only come through God. They have been hurt, abused, abandoned, and told they are not worthy. But I have never met any more worthy Princesses of God, who are filled with all the love you can imagine. It’s so beautiful.
Friday, then, I go to Casa Lea, which is another family house. So many kids are in that house that I adore. The boys that are in that house, I love as if they were little brothers to me. They’re always happy to see me, give me hugs, and eager to say “I love you, too,” because they do. And my very own angel, Maria, is there. She is one of the big reasons I came back here in the first place, one of the sweet faces leading me into this amazing experience.
Every house has a different flavor, and so far I’ve been blessed hugely every night. My only regret is that I didn’t come up with this idea sooner, because the time spent with each one of these kids is the sweetest and most rewarding time I could ask for. Don’t know what I’m going to do without little hands to hold.
CHILDLIKE – prepare yourself for something bigger than you were
expecting, with a lot more words than you probably hoped for going into this.
I
think that for most of my life I understood only small things about childlike
faith. Matthew 18:3, Jesus says, “Truly I tell you, unless you change and
become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.
Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in
the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes such a child in my name, welcomes
me.” I understood that part, or so I thought; that you are supposed have to
have childlike faith. Basically, I thought that you were supposed to believe in
God the same way you believe in Santa, or that you should have faith just
because. And I do believe that this is a part of childlike faith – to know that
you can only explain God up to a certain point and then after that it just has
to be faith, because the logical knowledge of God and the heart knowledge of
God are two completely different things. But after today, I don’t think that
that’s the entirety of childlike faith. It got moved into a completely
different light for me, and I was blessed by a beautiful revelation.
Only just one day after moving into the apartment – completely alone – I was sitting in one of the comfy chairs enjoying a Lord of the Rings movie waiting for my piano students to come. Somewhere, about halfway through, the rain started picking up again to the point where I couldn’t hear the TV, so I just decided to turn it off and enjoy some quiet time. I was sitting there, looking out of the window at the rain falling, and all of the sudden had this childish question. This is a question that I know the logical answer to, and I might not have asked had I not been seeking God’s answer. “God, why did you make the rain?” I know that rain is to water the ground, to water plants, to provide water for animals and rivers that eventually run off into the ocean and sustain our entire planet. But that’s not the question I was asking, and definitely not the answer God gave me.
Only just one day after moving into the apartment – completely alone – I was sitting in one of the comfy chairs enjoying a Lord of the Rings movie waiting for my piano students to come. Somewhere, about halfway through, the rain started picking up again to the point where I couldn’t hear the TV, so I just decided to turn it off and enjoy some quiet time. I was sitting there, looking out of the window at the rain falling, and all of the sudden had this childish question. This is a question that I know the logical answer to, and I might not have asked had I not been seeking God’s answer. “God, why did you make the rain?” I know that rain is to water the ground, to water plants, to provide water for animals and rivers that eventually run off into the ocean and sustain our entire planet. But that’s not the question I was asking, and definitely not the answer God gave me.
“I made the rain for when the ground is dry. So many times
the ground is like a desert. It is cracked and hard and dry, and nothing can
grow there or survive. Sometimes, the ground needs to get soaking wet so that it
can start growing things again.” I knew that God wasn’t talking about the dirt
in Guatemala. He was talking about my heart, our hearts as people. “Sometimes
the rain is strong, and it feels like it’s never going to stop. It seems gloomy
and oppressive, dark and scary. But I made a promise to a man many, many years
ago that I would never flood the earth with rain again. That means that I don’t
give rain to destroy, but rather to renew. The rain isn’t intended to cause things to
struggle, but to help them grow. When the ground is dead and dry, it isn’t able
to grow plants, nothing can live outside of it or inside. Imagine if, when the
ground was ready, a seed was planted. If the rain stopped there the seed
wouldn’t grow. But instead the rain will help the seed grow into a beautiful tree. If
the rain stopped there, the tree would wither. Only the rain will let the tree
flourish and produce amazing, colorful fruits. Then other things will start to
be drawn to the tree – creatures will come in around it, live inside of it, nourish
themselves of the life within. Beneath the tree, there will be shade for weary
travelers, and fruit that they can take for themselves. Grass will start to
grow around it and after a while an entire ecosystem will thrive within and
around this tree – all because of the rain. The tree couldn’t live or grow by
its own will. But once it can stretch its roots into the new soil, and drink up
the rain to help it grow, it can give life to so many others. And later on, its
own seeds will be carried near and far, and – only if there is rain – the other
seeds will be planted in the ground and grow, too.” I just sat there. In a
moment of childlike questioning, I had just had a life-changing moment with
God. I embraced a moment of understanding what it means to be God’s child, and as a result I was rewarded, like I was just sitting on
my Dad’s lap, looking up into His eyes and understanding everything He was
saying to me for the first time in ages.
Then, a flood of knowledge and understanding and passion just let loose over me.
When my sister and I were littler, we used to go to Fox Run Park sometimes with my parents. We would play in that stream that runs into the big lake with the gazebo. There were tiers that the stream went down, mini-waterfalls made by the big rocks. Corie and I, along with Mom or Dad, liked to sit on the ledge of one of these waterfalls and make our bodies into a dam. Our excitement would rise as the water did, inching up our backs until it was spilling over the spaces left by our hips and arms. Then, one… two… three… and everyone would stand up and watch the massive waterfall crash around our feet, splashing and getting us soaked. That’s what happens sometimes – I think things just get in the way of our waterfalls. But all it takes is that one word, and everything gets out of the way and all of the sudden, all of the things that have been waiting to flow over just come crashing down at once. What a beautiful moment that is, and was for me on that Tuesday.
Everything just came crashing down. I mean, revelation upon revelation, blessings and strength and peace, and FINALLY passion. I have lived in a passionless existence for far too long, and to finally have that tiredness, weariness, and apathy washed off of me is a feeling I can’t describe. For hours and hours after that I sat at a desk and wrote down a beautiful word that God gave me about the Parable of the Sower. It first comes up in Matthew, but my favorite recounting of it is in Mark 4. Jesus is talking about the different kinds of soil, and how your soil can either be the good soil, or it can be the path soil, the rocky soil, the thorn-covered soil. If you have bad soil, your seeds won’t live or produce any fruit. So this message God gave me walks through the scriptures explaining the different soils and also explaining what exactly we can do through the Word and through Jesus, to fix our soil. God told me “It’s not your plants, your seeds, or your roots, that have a problem. It’s your soil. How can you expect to grow something good, if you don’t have somewhere good to put it first?” It was an amazing journey and after all was said and done, 5 hours had passed and I was still just soaking myself in this beautiful revelation, soaking myself in the presence of God. If you want to read the message that God gave me, I would be so happy to send it to you. I know that it’s going to really bless people just like it blessed me. Amazing, amazing blessings right now in my life.
The last thing that God told me was, “Kellie, My child, this was not a time intended for seeds, but for soil. Yes, you will receive seeds and growth and fruit in every area because of your time in Guatemala, but My purpose in bringing you here was to first change your soil. My love, you just needed a little rain.”
I have decided that if every single thing that happened to me in the past year and a half led me to this revelation and blessing, every tear that I cried was another thing bringing me to this exact spot at this very moment, it was all worth it just for this. Amen and amen and amen.
This is a long post, and that is because this is not a little thing for me. This is a life-changing 180-degree turn around. This is what I came here for. I just want you all to know that the girl that left you isn’t coming home with me. There is something bigger, better and far more beautiful returning to you soon, and I’m ready to do amazing things. I come home in exactly 9 days, and I’m expecting that every day that passes I will get more and more blessings. Whether kisses from kids or conversations with God, there are greater things to come to me here in Guatemala. There are greater things to come to me in life. And there are greater things to come for all of us who believe.
“And we know that God will cause all things to work together for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose… in all things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.” Romans 8:28 & 37
Our God is good.
Love,
Kellie
Then, a flood of knowledge and understanding and passion just let loose over me.
When my sister and I were littler, we used to go to Fox Run Park sometimes with my parents. We would play in that stream that runs into the big lake with the gazebo. There were tiers that the stream went down, mini-waterfalls made by the big rocks. Corie and I, along with Mom or Dad, liked to sit on the ledge of one of these waterfalls and make our bodies into a dam. Our excitement would rise as the water did, inching up our backs until it was spilling over the spaces left by our hips and arms. Then, one… two… three… and everyone would stand up and watch the massive waterfall crash around our feet, splashing and getting us soaked. That’s what happens sometimes – I think things just get in the way of our waterfalls. But all it takes is that one word, and everything gets out of the way and all of the sudden, all of the things that have been waiting to flow over just come crashing down at once. What a beautiful moment that is, and was for me on that Tuesday.
Everything just came crashing down. I mean, revelation upon revelation, blessings and strength and peace, and FINALLY passion. I have lived in a passionless existence for far too long, and to finally have that tiredness, weariness, and apathy washed off of me is a feeling I can’t describe. For hours and hours after that I sat at a desk and wrote down a beautiful word that God gave me about the Parable of the Sower. It first comes up in Matthew, but my favorite recounting of it is in Mark 4. Jesus is talking about the different kinds of soil, and how your soil can either be the good soil, or it can be the path soil, the rocky soil, the thorn-covered soil. If you have bad soil, your seeds won’t live or produce any fruit. So this message God gave me walks through the scriptures explaining the different soils and also explaining what exactly we can do through the Word and through Jesus, to fix our soil. God told me “It’s not your plants, your seeds, or your roots, that have a problem. It’s your soil. How can you expect to grow something good, if you don’t have somewhere good to put it first?” It was an amazing journey and after all was said and done, 5 hours had passed and I was still just soaking myself in this beautiful revelation, soaking myself in the presence of God. If you want to read the message that God gave me, I would be so happy to send it to you. I know that it’s going to really bless people just like it blessed me. Amazing, amazing blessings right now in my life.
The last thing that God told me was, “Kellie, My child, this was not a time intended for seeds, but for soil. Yes, you will receive seeds and growth and fruit in every area because of your time in Guatemala, but My purpose in bringing you here was to first change your soil. My love, you just needed a little rain.”
I have decided that if every single thing that happened to me in the past year and a half led me to this revelation and blessing, every tear that I cried was another thing bringing me to this exact spot at this very moment, it was all worth it just for this. Amen and amen and amen.
This is a long post, and that is because this is not a little thing for me. This is a life-changing 180-degree turn around. This is what I came here for. I just want you all to know that the girl that left you isn’t coming home with me. There is something bigger, better and far more beautiful returning to you soon, and I’m ready to do amazing things. I come home in exactly 9 days, and I’m expecting that every day that passes I will get more and more blessings. Whether kisses from kids or conversations with God, there are greater things to come to me here in Guatemala. There are greater things to come to me in life. And there are greater things to come for all of us who believe.
“And we know that God will cause all things to work together for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose… in all things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.” Romans 8:28 & 37
Our God is good.
Love,
Kellie
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