UPDATE #11: Wrap It Up

Two. One... two... two days. That's all. Wow. It's surreal but every piece of clothing that I pack makes it more real. I'm back to Colorado on Saturday. It's a strange bittersweet that I'm not used to... I feel like I have two homes. Now Casa Angelina is so familiar that I feel like I could hop in my car and drive here and hang out for the day. Unfortunately, it's not that easy. So instead I will leave this home to go to another home, and I'm sure that I will be missing my Casa Angelina family the moment I drive out of the gate. For the sake of crossing bridges when I reach them, let me simply update you on this past week, and some other random things.

GOODBYE PARTY, PART ONE

I spent most of Saturday hanging out with Bethany, since I hadn't seen her much since she got back from the U.S. on Thursday. After that I had lessons in the afternoon, so I hung out at my house, reading and watching my favorite, Pride and Prejudice. Mimi came over and I made her pancakes and she watched with me, because she was having a bad day. One thing I really love is the relationship I get to have with them. I'm not the director, or the pastor, or the mom or dad, not the teacher or tutor. I'm the friend. So when kinds want to talk or when they just want a hug, when they need someone to listen to them or just someplace to hide out for a few hours... I get to be that. I love being that. I wish I could always be that for them.
 Saturday night there wasn't Youth Group because every first week of the month everyone gets together for a big church service on Sunday. So instead, after lessons and hangouts with Mimi, I decided to work on music theory for a little while. While I was trying to understand the more complex theoretical stuff someone knocked on my door. I answered and no one was there, strangely, but of course right before I was about to shut the door someone jumped out and yelled "BOO," scaring me to death. It turned out to be good old Ronald, who ended up hanging out with me for a little while. We decided that we might as well just make it a party, so he went to grab some movies and the girls. It was a fantastic night watching movies with Ronald, Julia, Lucy, Jacky, Marcedes, Gabby, and Susy. I love every one of those girls so much! We watched a few movies and shared some peanut butter toast and laughs. These are the kind of memories I will be thankful for when I am missing Casa Angelina. We then thought that maybe this could be "Goodbye Party, Part One" and next Friday we could have "Part Two" which is going to be a lot of fun, I'm sure.

BEGINNING OF ENDINGS

Woke up Sunday and realized that this Sunday was going to be my last one here. That was sad. So I dressed up. At church I sat with Flor on my lap and Jeni and Paoula at my sides. It was so beautiful to have them with me. I think I'm going to miss having soft babies around all the time, always having little fingers wrapped around mine while their clumsy little feet hurry to keep up. I'm going to miss their little wisps of hair and their hugs, their tiny fingers on my face. Sunday marks the first day of lasts. So on this last Sunday, I got to do a skit with Bethany at the beginning of the service, and at the end of it I stood up in front while everyone prayed for me. It was such a beautiful morning and I was so happy for all of it. After church, I went to the Frazers again, to spend time with them. We watched Despicable Me, hung out with the kids, made cupcakes, and just hung out and talked. Which was really lovely. After everyone else went to bed Bethany and I stayed up and she told me about Disneyworld. It is for reasons like that that she is my friend - she's hilarious, and so full of life, and she loves Disneyworld so much that we talked about it for like 45 minutes. I realized that when I leave I'm also going to miss my new friend. Thank God that we live in the technology age where you can just Skype or chat or message or even send emails old-school style.

ELEPHANTS, SPIDERS, AND LOVE

At school today I played with my little elephants. They finished making their projects last week, and since their costumes are done we got to just paly with them and dance around. They are adorable. After that, I went to the 1st and 2nd Grade classes and sang with them about The Itsy Bitsy Spider. It's really rewarding to hear them singing about half of the song in English and actually understand the words instead of just making similar sounds with their mouths. Then we played "Congelado," the game where they freeze when the music freezes. While I was in my last class, Carol, one of the house parents and teacher of the younger 1st and 2nd Graders, came into my class and asked if when I finished there I could come and visit them again. I did about two minutes before class ended and as soon as I entered the classroom I knew that something was up. They all had these sneaky little smiles on their face and as I walked to the front of the classroom Moises came up to meet me. "Kellie, thank you for coming here to Casa Angelina to be with us. We love you and we have made a little gift for you." Then one by one he called up his classmates. As each of them reached me, they hugged me tightly and said something along the lines of "Thank you and I love you." To hear that 10 or 11 times over is beautiful... but that wasn't all! Each one of them also gave me a card in the shape of their favorite animal. After about three of those I was done for, and found myself trying to hold back a mountain of tears, only letting a few escape in front of the little kids. As soon as I left the doors the school though, all bets were off, and I cried. I mean, cried cried. Felt so wonderfully filled up at that moment. It started to rain and I was running through the drops, feeling my own fall down my face, trying to protect the little construction paper cards in my hands. There is no feeling that is as fulfilling or wonderful as that feeling you get when you serve someone. I am so blessed for that. Serving these kids has been so much fun and all I get back from them is love and trust, honor and animal shaped cards that say "I love you" and "You're my hero." I love them. I love them.

SUPRISE!

After finishing our English class with Kung Fu Panda (in English) and a vocab list, I walked out of school on Tuesday and found Bethany and Kerry chatting. After they finished their conversation while I watched Cars 2 with Joaquin, Bethany said "Kellie, you need to let your students know that you can't do a lesson today, and then be ready to leave by 1:30. We're going to Antigua." I was so excited!! Days out are a nice breath of fresh air and I also had a lot of gifts to buy for all of my family and friends coming back!! So I ran back to my house, grabbed my stuff, wrote notes to my students and at 1:45 we were on the road to Antigua. The drive there was so fun, talking to Bethany and Kerry, and once we got there it was madness. There are so many little stores in Antigua. They kept saying "You never know what is behind a door. It was so true. You peeked through one door and it was a cozy cafe, and the next door there was an entire secret garden stretching back and back with fountains and hotels and restaurants and whatever else there may have been. It was so fun. Since Antigua is such a touristy place, there were a lot of Americans, and it was SO strange to see white people walking around! It was also a definitely different feeling being outside of the orphanage - the cat calls and whistles were being tossed toward us every block. You learn to censor it from your awareness. We walked around for a bit, got a famous ice cream from here called POPS and after that had time to hit just one market that took us about an hour and a half to get through! It was crazy!! There were little booths, probably about 45, all inside this building. I got something for all of my closest friends and my family and I am so excited to give them each their gifts. I also got some things for me - a poncho-hoodie and a crazy colored backpack that is so me. Super excited to take that to school in the fall. Before we knew it, it was getting dark and time to go home. So we loaded back up in the car and drove back home. It's amazing how short of a drive 45 minutes feels now, after having to travel such a long way for things. I feel like going to Denver or Pueblo will feel like nothing for me! We're just used to having everything so close. It's such a treat - be thankful for that next time you feel like it's out of the way to go to Walmart a mile away from your house. That is one thing that will be so weird to adjust to when I get back to the States... and probably also flushing toilet paper. How weird.

PIJAMADA

Pijamada... which means pajama party sleep over. We had one of these today for the women's meeting. So after going to school and hanging out with the kiddos, and after my Wednesday guitar lesssons, I hopped into some PJs and passed a little bit of time packing before the meeting. PACKING. It was the weirdest feeling. Fortunately I'm going to be able to leave a lot of big things behind, like hair products, soap and my rainboots that ripped in half (after 3 years of good use, might I add). That means I'll have a lot more room to pack things including all of the new gifts that I'm bringing home. Around 4:15 I went to help Bethany with whatever she might need for the Women's PJ Party. We had popcorn, cake, ice cream, soda, tea, and lots of movies to choose from. The best part was that Bethany had set up their living room with a giant projector screen and couches all around, making it the most comfortable in-home movie theatre in Guatemala. It was fun to see everyone so silly and comfy in their pajamas. Made me remember how much I have loved to get to know every single one of these women. There's Julietta, who is sarcastic and hilarious, Carol, who is like a mom (scratching your back and playing with your hair, at all the right moments.) There's Magda who is like the camp counselor that everyone loves by the end of the week, and so many more of the girls here that I've loved to get to know. What an adventure to be here and meet all of these people who have changed my life. Anyway, we started out the movie night with Water for Elephants, which probably would have been more fun to watch for me if it had been in English. Oh well! We were just going to watch one but the ladies insisted on a second movie, so we watched Beastly, which I love. It's a modern-day version of Beauty and the Beast, super interesting, and really lovely. Just simple and real. After that we WERE just going to watch those two, but the ladies insisted on a third movie, so after checking up at their houses, they all came back to watch In Time. That movie is super fun too. It's an interesting concept where everything in life is paid for with time. They spend time to get coffee, time to ride the bus, time to pay the bills, but what's interesting is that when they use all of their time they die. Anyway it's an action film and is pretty good, even though the script isn't amazing (haha). It was almost 11:30 when Bethany and I had finished cleaning up and I went home. I couldn't sleep so I took a shower and packed some more, then read the Bible a bit. It's so strange that this is it... this is it. The last everything here in Guatemala.

TODAY

Today I woke up and made French toast with feta cheese and bananas. It was really, really delicious. After that I got ready, went to school and hung out with the High School and 5th-6th graders. I didn't even teach them anything. Just hung out and took pictures. I don't want to spend my last few days asking them to pay attention. Instead, I just want to pay attention to them. We laughed and had fun, and after that I went to the Frazers. I don't know where Bethany was but I had the best time hanging out with Ariana, India, and Ethan. We played doll house, played with perfume, and then made a video that we have been talking about making since Week Two of my being here called "I Ate Some Chicken." It's HILARIOUS. I'm definitely posting that when I put it all together and fix it up. They're really fun amazing kids. They make me laugh a TON and they do the cutest and most random things. They are also WILD - they have so much energy and it's AMAZING! I love spending time with them. Totally different spending time with Spanish-speaking kids and English-speaking ones, because when an American kid says "pataloughla" I know that they're just making up a word and being crazy, instead of trying to translate it. It's been so neat to experience both of those, loving the culture of the Guatemalans and also learning more about my own culture through the Frazer kiddos. After that I had lunch, then lessons, and had my last lesson with Carmencita. She's gotten SO good. I don't think it's only because of my amazing teaching skills, either. I think she just has the piano built into her like I do with singing. She's just naturally really good at it. She already knows all of her natural scales (no flats, minors, or anything unusual scales yet) and can do them perfectly. She's memorized the order of the sharps and understands the Circle of Fifths and how to use it, she knows what keys have what flats, and can change between them!! It's amazing to see her come so far and I feel really grateful to have had a student like her because it makes me feel wonderful to see her so excited and proud of herself, and also proves to me that I'm not actually a terrible teacher. It's been amazing for both of us. I gave her a piano book that I had been working a bit on translating for her. That way she can kind of continue teaching herself. She's amazing. After that I cleaned the apartment and kept asking specific girls to come over so that I could give them things. I gave Jacky the shirt that she always borrowed from me. I think it cost me like $4 and I never loved it like she did. She cried when I gave it to her and said "I really love you, Kellie." Then I cried, and was amazed. I gave away a couple other things too, and it was amazing. I felt so free and loved, giving something to someone that needed it and getting love back in return. How amazing. Then I ended the night with writing letters and doing, well, this. I'm about to stop by one of the houses to make a visit and I can't wait to see those kiddos.


Tomorrow is Friday and therefore my very last official day at Casa Angelina. We're going to have Going Away Party, Part Two tomorrow night, and I've asked some of the girls to spend the night with me after that. Saturday morning they're going to help me do the last minute things and spend time with me, making breakfast and saying goodbyes. I'm not ready to leave.
On the other hand, I'm so ready to be home. I missed my family, and after taking a step back from them realize how much I need them, how much I love them, how much they do for me every single day. How much they've been there for me through everything. And for those same reasons I missed my friends. I can't wait to be back in the arms of people that I love and have been waiting to see for three months. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, for supporting me this entire time, giving me love and means to come and do this amazing thing for myself. I've grown up so much and become so much more of the person that I want to be, and I know that none of that would be possible without the love and support of every single one of you. Exactly 48 hours from this very moment I will be in Colorado Springs, celebrating with those closest to my heart, happy to be home, and missing Casa Angelina. My heart is so full, and I feel so blessed. From the bottom of my heart, I. LOVE. YOU.


Love, Kellie


If you could please be praying for my flights and that everything goes smoothly, that would be amazing! I leave Casa Angelina at 9:30, and then my flight leaves Guatemala at 12:10. I should land in Houston around 4:15. After that I have a really long layover at the Houston Airport - my flight should leave there at 7:00, a little after. Then I will have my feet planted on the Colorado Springs Ground at 8:15 (time change) after a two and half hour flight and a very long day. Pray for strength, awareness, and safety, and that I would get everywhere I need to be on time! Love, love, love you.

Update #10: The Rewards

Wow... my updates just reached double digits. Sometimes it feels like I've been here for such a long time. Other days it feels like it's only been a few weeks. Most of the time it just feels like I live outside of time. I'm just here. But now that my time here is seriously winding down, it seems too close! I made a kid cry today on accident by telling them I was leaving next Saturday. I think that everyone feels it getting closer and closer. I've made such strong bonds with these people and these kids that it will be really, truly, and terribly hard to say goodbye now. I've already told them I'm coming back next year, a promise which I intend to keep (probably not for 3 months, but a good two weeks, I hope). Thinking about it is making me emotional, already, and actually leaving is going to be like tearing out little pieces of my heart.. Ahem, well, let's just move on to the update, before I cry...

RAIN, RAIN, GO AWAY...

It rained practically all day. It's funny because I don't remember the rain being so much last time I was here in 2010, even though I came in the middle of June. My favorite thing about the rain is the way that it makes it impossible to hear anything when it gets really strong. It makes you feel small like at any moment the roof might give way to the torrent that's stomping on your roof and you might be carried away in a flood of rain. I also like the way it makes you feel so sound and comfortable, warm and dry in your house while a whole different world is going on eight inches away through the wall. Hardly anyone braved the rain to come to their lesson. By the time the rain was through it was night time. I had enjoyed being inside watching movies for most of the day, but went outside when I heard some kids laughing and screaming. Ronald, Lucy, Julia, Susy... all of them were there covered in mud. I took pictures, of course, laughing at them. They had just had a mudfight and after pictures went to their houses to shower off and clean up before youth group. I met them all there, clean and happy, and we then had a beautiful night of worship, and a sermon about - you guessed it - God! Haha, of course it was about God. What else? So the God topic this week was "God Called You," which is so God. I know you have probably experienced it before where you ask God a question or ask someone to pray for something, and then God answers, and answers, and answers, and answers. I mean, it's just like Jesus and the disciples. He had to explain things so many times just so that they would GET it, and make it stick. God is the same way with us; He'll tell you something once but then He'll tell you again, because most of the time once isn't enough for us. This trip God has had two main focal points for me - one, telling me to let go. Just let it go, Kellie. Let me be God and you can just love Me and enjoy what I have for you, without trying to make everything work the way you want it to. The other thing He keeps telling me is that He has a plan specifically for me, cut out of a unique and particular design that He thought of before the creation of time. And somehow

I don't know really when it happened, but at some point along the line I got my dreams taken away from me. I just stopped dreaming, stopped believing that I was going to do anything extraordinary, which scared me. I don't really want to be average, but I just started believing I was average in every way. What a big fat ugly lie, right? Anyway, God has been telling me this over and over and over again that He does have big plans for me and He's called me to do something amazing, because He's called everyone to do something incredible. The verse for this week is Romans 8:28-30, which has come up more than once while I've been here. It's the verse surrounding my friend's death, the verse that keeps coming up during Bible studies, on Facebook, in books... this particular day my mom has sent me a letter from home and in the letter written for me to look at Romans 8:28-30. I just laughed. So it didn't surprise me when that was the verse we focused on at youth group.

^"28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. ²⁹ For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that Jesus might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. ³⁰ And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also made worthy, and those whom he justified in worthiness he also glorified."

Love God = all things work together for my good. My call, His purpose. I am made like Jesus so that I can be called, worthy, and glorified, all for His glory and His plan. That sounds good to me. That's like a win-win-win situation. The truth is that everyone, myself more than anyone, needs to stop doubting how amazing they are and start believing that God made them awesome, with an extraordinary future in store. You're amazing, you know? There's just one of you.

MUD

Well, originally, the plan was to hide out all day after church, avoiding the kids that wanted to throw me into the mud pit like they had done to their friends the night before. I had changed clothes just in case, and was watching TV with the Frazer kids when Ronald came to knock on the door. Every week Ronald comes to Casa Angelina on Fridays and leaves on Sunday afternoon. He's in the military, training to be a pilot, but the rest of his family lives here as a "House Family." All week he is in the city going to school and it is always a wonderful day Friday when he comes around - Ronald is one of my best friends here. We have so much fun. Anyway, he came knocking on the door and said "Don't worry I'm not here to throw you into the mud, I just wanted to give you a hug goodbye because I'm leaving." It was around 2:30, when he usually leaves every week, so I reluctantly believed him. And then had military-built arms picking me up and carrying me to the pool-sized mud puddle surrounded by 6 or 7 other kids. I tried to run once, but that's pretty much a lost cause when there's a circle of motivated kids surrounding you. So I stood by that old saying "If you can't beat them, join them." I wasn't going to get away from this, so I might as well enjoy it. I had a wrestling match initially, trying to stay upright, but ended up laying in the mud looking at the cloudy gray sky. Mud squishing in on all sides... I could feel it crawling it's way down my back, seeping into my hair. Then, I took out the legs of the person standing next to me. And war began.
Throwing mudballs, sneaking up behind people with handfuls of slippery brown goo waiting to wash someone's hair with it, pushing, pulling, falling, tossing, running away even though we were already covered. By the end of it Lucy was laying face-up in the mudbath letting Susy apply a generous amount of mud to her face as an exfoliant. We helped eachother cover every last bit of color in brown.
An hour later we walked down the row of houses, getting pictures taken, letting everyone enjoy our happy, sloppy mess. I was pretty excited to take a shower. So I somehow managed to get out of the mud clothes and then came to find out that there wasn't actually...any water. So I put on some OTHER non-mud-covered clothes and walked to the Frazers to borrow their shower. It took a long. Long. Long. Time. To get all of the mud out of my hair. Never felt so good to be clean. And you know what? My skin was really soft after that - all natural exfoliant (oh yeah, baby)!

THE MONDAY MOVE

I just wanted to name this post the Monday Move, but it’s really not that exciting. I moved again! It’s so funny because I’ve been here for 76 days or something, and moved 4 times! First move was from Colorado to here, and I’m counting it because I had to unpack all of my things. It’s so weird to think that I started out in the Hospitality House taking care of Monica – that feels like a different life! I remember all of the long nights and they seem so far away and strange!
Then I moved to Casa Genesis with all of the teenage girls, and what a completely unique experience that was! I will never be able to recreate that. Hardest and also most wonderful and rewarding living situation I’ve ever been in. It’s a beautiful thing that I got the chance to do that.
After that, to the Assembly House with Lucia! That one doesn’t seem so strange or far away, probably because it was just last week that I was living there, but man, that was a whole different thing in and of itself. Starting lessons and doing different things with my time than I had here before.
And now, I have moved BACK to the apartment, Hospitality House, but this time I am strangely and completely on my own. After running in and out of the rain, moving things between classes and lessons, I am moved in and completely alone for the first time in 2.5 months. It’s such a weird feeling. Once my lessons were over my house was empty… and I took a few minutes just to remember what to do with myself. I am having to re-learn alone time, and it’s a beautiful blessing! I feel so thankful that I’m going to have this time to reflect and kick it with God, just looking and thinking about the things I’ve done here and seeing how I’ve changed. I get the next two weeks to understand what’s been done to my heart, and understand exactly who is that person looking back at me in the mirror. There isn’t a way that any of you can understand all that’s happened to me here, but I hope that when I get back I won’t have to explain the difference. My prayer is that you’ll be able to see it.

RIGHT IDEA

Since I am an absolute genius and have the best ideas ever, I came up with an amazing plan on Sunday after the mud ordeal. I am leaving in two weeks, and I don’t want to leave without squeezing out literally every blessing I can from this experience. It’s like when you drink a CapriSun and you’ve finished it, but you have to still suck it all up from the very bottom and then squeeze out the final dregs of juice and twist it and roll it up until literally every last drop has landed on your tongue. Then, my favorite part, you fold your CapriSun juice pouch and pretend to use it as a cell phone. But that’s beside the point.
The point is I want to spend every minute I can learning more about each of these kids, kissing their faces, and loving them.
So I decided to invite myself over for dinner(s). 5 houses, 5 days of the week… what a perfect plan. So every night for the next two weeks, I’ll go over to a different house for dinner and a few hours of devotionals, games, and hugs. On Monday, I visit Casa Edmond with all the little girls. They are so beautiful and have more energy than I can keep up with, of course. Tuesday, Casa Genesis, which has also been renamed “Men of God” House since the big change. Now, I get to spend hours with some of the more energetic little boys and all of the teenage boys, which is awesome. They are crazy. Then on Wednesday, I’m at Living Waters House (Casa Agua Viva), which is a family house – meaning that there are boys and girls of all ages living there, learning to be a family unit. There’s a fantastic group of kids in this house, too. On Thursday, I go to Faith Family House, or Casa Familia de Fe, which is where my girls are at. This is where the girls that I lived with in Casa Genesis live, now that everyone moved, along with all of the other 13+ aged girls. I think in total they are 25, but they make it work! It’s amazing to see all of these girls working and living together. There are not really words, even, to explain my relationship with the girls in this house, but thinking about leaving them makes me miserable. Out of all of the people here, they have challenged me the most, and also blessed me the most. Every day they taught me something new about myself, good and bad, and every day despite it all, they loved me anyway. They demonstrate selflessness and a desire to learn, the joy that can only come through God. They have been hurt, abused, abandoned, and told they are not worthy. But I have never met any more worthy Princesses of God, who are filled with all the love you can imagine. It’s so beautiful.
Friday, then, I go to Casa Lea, which is another family house. So many kids are in that house that I adore. The boys that are in that house, I love as if they were little brothers to me. They’re always happy to see me, give me hugs, and eager to say “I love you, too,” because they do. And my very own angel, Maria, is there. She is one of the big reasons I came back here in the first place, one of the sweet faces leading me into this amazing experience.
Every house has a different flavor, and so far I’ve been blessed hugely every night. My only regret is that I didn’t come up with this idea sooner, because the time spent with each one of these kids is the sweetest and most rewarding time I could ask for. Don’t know what I’m going to do without little hands to hold.

CHILDLIKE – prepare yourself for something bigger than you were expecting, with a lot more words than you probably hoped for going into this.

I think that for most of my life I understood only small things about childlike faith. Matthew 18:3, Jesus says, “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes such a child in my name, welcomes me.” I understood that part, or so I thought; that you are supposed have to have childlike faith. Basically, I thought that you were supposed to believe in God the same way you believe in Santa, or that you should have faith just because. And I do believe that this is a part of childlike faith – to know that you can only explain God up to a certain point and then after that it just has to be faith, because the logical knowledge of God and the heart knowledge of God are two completely different things. But after today, I don’t think that that’s the entirety of childlike faith. It got moved into a completely different light for me, and I was blessed by a beautiful revelation.
Only just one day after moving into the apartment – completely alone – I was sitting in one of the comfy chairs enjoying a Lord of the Rings movie waiting for my piano students to come. Somewhere, about halfway through, the rain started picking up again to the point where I couldn’t hear the TV, so I just decided to turn it off and enjoy some quiet time. I was sitting there, looking out of the window at the rain falling, and all of the sudden had this childish question. This is a question that I know the logical answer to, and I might not have asked had I not been seeking God’s answer. “God, why did you make the rain?” I know that rain is to water the ground, to water plants, to provide water for animals and rivers that eventually run off into the ocean and sustain our entire planet. But that’s not the question I was asking, and definitely not the answer God gave me.

“I made the rain for when the ground is dry. So many times the ground is like a desert. It is cracked and hard and dry, and nothing can grow there or survive. Sometimes, the ground needs to get soaking wet so that it can start growing things again.” I knew that God wasn’t talking about the dirt in Guatemala. He was talking about my heart, our hearts as people. “Sometimes the rain is strong, and it feels like it’s never going to stop. It seems gloomy and oppressive, dark and scary. But I made a promise to a man many, many years ago that I would never flood the earth with rain again. That means that I don’t give rain to destroy, but rather to renew. The rain isn’t intended to cause things to struggle, but to help them grow. When the ground is dead and dry, it isn’t able to grow plants, nothing can live outside of it or inside. Imagine if, when the ground was ready, a seed was planted. If the rain stopped there the seed wouldn’t grow. But instead the rain will help the seed grow into a beautiful tree. If the rain stopped there, the tree would wither. Only the rain will let the tree flourish and produce amazing, colorful fruits. Then other things will start to be drawn to the tree – creatures will come in around it, live inside of it, nourish themselves of the life within. Beneath the tree, there will be shade for weary travelers, and fruit that they can take for themselves. Grass will start to grow around it and after a while an entire ecosystem will thrive within and around this tree – all because of the rain. The tree couldn’t live or grow by its own will. But once it can stretch its roots into the new soil, and drink up the rain to help it grow, it can give life to so many others. And later on, its own seeds will be carried near and far, and – only if there is rain – the other seeds will be planted in the ground and grow, too.” I just sat there. In a moment of childlike questioning, I had just had a life-changing moment with God. I embraced a moment of understanding what it means to be God’s child, and as a result I was rewarded, like I was just sitting on my Dad’s lap, looking up into His eyes and understanding everything He was saying to me for the first time in ages.
Then, a flood of knowledge and understanding and passion just let loose over me.

When my sister and I were littler, we used to go to Fox Run Park sometimes with my parents. We would play in that stream that runs into the big lake with the gazebo. There were tiers that the stream went down, mini-waterfalls made by the big rocks. Corie and I, along with Mom or Dad, liked to sit on the ledge of one of these waterfalls and make our bodies into a dam. Our excitement would rise as the water did, inching up our backs until it was spilling over the spaces left by our hips and arms. Then, one… two… three… and everyone would stand up and watch the massive waterfall crash around our feet, splashing and getting us soaked. That’s what happens sometimes – I think things just get in the way of our waterfalls. But all it takes is that one word, and everything gets out of the way and all of the sudden, all of the things that have been waiting to flow over just come crashing down at once. What a beautiful moment that is, and was for me on that Tuesday.
Everything just came crashing down. I mean, revelation upon revelation, blessings and strength and peace, and FINALLY passion. I have lived in a passionless existence for far too long, and to finally have that tiredness, weariness, and apathy washed off of me is a feeling I can’t describe. For hours and hours after that I sat at a desk and wrote down a beautiful word that God gave me about the Parable of the Sower. It first comes up in Matthew, but my favorite recounting of it is in Mark 4. Jesus is talking about the different kinds of soil, and how your soil can either be the good soil, or it can be the path soil, the rocky soil, the thorn-covered soil. If you have bad soil, your seeds won’t live or produce any fruit. So this message God gave me walks through the scriptures explaining the different soils and also explaining what exactly we can do through the Word and through Jesus, to fix our soil. God told me “It’s not your plants, your seeds, or your roots, that have a problem. It’s your soil. How can you expect to grow something good, if you don’t have somewhere good to put it first?” It was an amazing journey and after all was said and done, 5 hours had passed and I was still just soaking myself in this beautiful revelation, soaking myself in the presence of God. If you want to read the message that God gave me, I would be so happy to send it to you. I know that it’s going to really bless people just like it blessed me. Amazing, amazing blessings right now in my life.
The last thing that God told me was, “Kellie, My child, this was not a time intended for seeds, but for soil. Yes, you will receive seeds and growth and fruit in every area because of your time in Guatemala, but My purpose in bringing you here was to first change your soil. My love, you just needed a little rain.”
I have decided that if every single thing that happened to me in the past year and a half led me to this revelation and blessing, every tear that I cried was another thing bringing me to this exact spot at this very moment, it was all worth it just for this. Amen and amen and amen.


This is a long post, and that is because this is not a little thing for me. This is a life-changing 180-degree turn around. This is what I came here for. I just want you all to know that the girl that left you isn’t coming home with me. There is something bigger, better and far more beautiful returning to you soon, and I’m ready to do amazing things. I come home in exactly 9 days, and I’m expecting that every day that passes I will get more and more blessings. Whether kisses from kids or conversations with God, there are greater things to come to me here in Guatemala. There are greater things to come to me in life. And there are greater things to come for all of us who believe.

“And we know that God will cause all things to work together for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose… in all things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.” Romans 8:28 & 37

Our God is good.
Love,
Kellie

UPDATE #9

Another week come and gone, and my mind is continuously blown by the fact that in two weeks from this very moment I will be packed and ready to get on a plane the next day. Not counting the rest of this evening, I have 14 days left in Guatemala. I can't really wrap my mind around the thought that it's already almost over! I know that some of you had the date June 23rd pinned up on your fridge or in your office or just in your brain, but I actually had a change of plans and will be coming back the 9th so that I am able to attend orientation at my new school, Belmont University.

Anyway, thank God it's Friday. Update #9:

LA BODA

I love weddings; they are something that I have always delighted in, since I understood what a wedding really was. First and foremost there is the part where a wedding is a final coming together of two separate people into union, a sacred bond, a beautiful promise. Wedding rings are a reminder on your finger of a circle which has no end. Actually, it reminds me of that song I used to sing in Girl Scouts, "A circle is round, it has no end, that's how long I want to be your friend," or in this case, "spouse." What an amazing thing! True love! The thing that every girl unrealistically dreams about ever since she watched her favorite Disney princess discover it's power and glorious emotion.
Love and all of that is great, but the thing I really love about weddings is the wedding part. A woman gets to spend months designing, creating, imagining a special day just to celebrate herself and the person she loves the most. Play with colors, take pictures, pick out outfits, write vows, design tables, basically pour out the relationship of herself and her man into a themed party. Which sounds amazing to me. Then she gets to dress up in a beautiful gown that is arguably the most beautiful thing she will ever wear, and walk down a long isle passing through all of the people who have ever loved her just to meet at the very end the person who has loved her the most, and will love her for the rest of her life. And he gets to watch as this vision of beauty that he is so in love with glides toward him with her smiling face, realizing that this is the first day of the rest of their lives together. And then you kiss, and then you have a giant party. Amazing.
Let me reiterate, if my point was not made, that I love weddings. There was even a time that I considered being a professional wedding planner (and, to be honest, my unrealistic side is still drawn toward this vocation every now and again).
SO when the opportunity presented itself to attend a Guatemalan wedding, I promptly accepted. I was so excited. I had already been planning in the weeks before that I was going to do the hair and makeup of all of the girls that were going, and when I was invited into the wedding brigade it was even better. So I spent all of Saturday morning preparing myself and 9 other girls, doing countless braids and curls, and putting my Mary Kay make-up skills to good use. We started at 8 AM and I was still doing makeup when we took a last pit-stop at McDonald's before the ceremony. Finally we arrived and after all of the Guatemalans got used to the "cancha" (blonde) the wedding started. It was so different. Really great to experience a wedding in another culture. They had the wedding and reception in a building that was the size of, say, a swimming pool. It was big enough to fit all of the people, and they had decorated with twisted white streamers and blue and pink chairs (pink for the bride's side and blue for the groom's). They had a small band of drums, keyboard, trumpet, and vocalist performing and once we were all seated we had a good 35 minutes of worship music. Then the bridal processional began. It started out with a boy carrying the Bible, open to some passage that makes the amount of pages even on both sides. Maybe somewhere in Psalms, or better yet, Song of Songs. Anyway, I really liked that... I feel like I might like to have that in my wedding, one day far far away. After that came the girls carrying the rings and kneeling pillows, then the bridesmaid, and then the beautiful bride. No matter how different this wedding was, this part was the same: the glowing bride looks like a princess with her white gloves and tiara, massive skirt of toole surrounding her, her younger sister holding up her train, her groom waiting for her.
Once she reached the end of the aisle, the bride and groom sat down with their backs to the audience, facing a table and the preacher who was marrying them. He then gave a message about Jesus' first miracle, the water into wine at the wedding, and how the first thing that couple did right was to invite Jesus. This couple, then, should also invite Jesus, not just to the wedding but to their entire life together. After that they did the vows and the rings, kissed, and it was over. We didn't stay for the reception because it was already late and we really just went for the ceremony, but it was great. What a beautiful day it was in Guatemala. I am so grateful to have seen this part of another culture, and to have seen something that I love so much in a different light and setting.
We drove back to Casa Angelina with 21 people packed into the 12 passenger van, and after everything that day and including a squished ride home, I really felt like a little American-Guatemalan.

WEIRD

You know those days when you just wake up and feel weird? Welcome to Sunday for Kellie in Guatemala. It was just that one day where I got up on the wrong side of the bed (which I didn't think possible since my bed has a wall on one side). I guess it all started when someone woke me up in the morning asking me for a favor. I mean, I love doing favors for people and being friends with the kids here, but Offense #1 has always been waking me up. I didn't like it when my parents did it, I didn't like it when my best friends did it, I just don't like it. I want to wake up to the annoying sound of the alarm and know that I meant for myself to wake up at this time. More than that, I prefer to wake up on my own, of my own will. Anyway, not a great way to wake up.Got out of bed and stepped barefoot on a June-bug. Unappetizing. We didn't have any food for breakfast, so I just ate a spoonful of peanut butter. Someone walked in on me while I was showering, and took a shirt without asking me. Which would have been fine had my morning been a little less... well. You know. It was raining this particular morning and I really felt like I had just cracked open my own version of Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day. And I just felt weird. Someone told me once to dress up and look good when I feel bad, because then no one will notice and also you look awesome, and consequently feel better. So I put on my favorite vintage blue and white polka dotted dress with a ribbon tie at the waist and walked down to children's church. Most days I like the fact that I'm genius enough to understand a sermon in Spanish, but today I didn't like the fact. I was longing for some worship music in English...
Somewhere in between the children's service and the adult service, I got a headache and my blue umbrella broke. And then I decided that today wasn't going to happen, and that I was going to lock the windows and doors and draw all of the curtains and watch Big Bang Theory on my borrowed computer and eat peanut butter and post stuff to my Pinterest boards.
And then I walked down to the adult service. Because I am an adult. And adults do not hide in their beds when they're having a bad day. At least, not often.
And then I just laughed. Really, this day was so weird, so... over-the-top bad, that it just had to be funny or else it would have been really depressing. And that's how I got over that.

ADOPT-AN-INTERN

It's almost like adopting a pet. Except it's a person, and her name is Kellie, if you live in Guatemala at Casa Angelina Orphanage. And if you adopt an intern you don't have to take them on walks or clean up after them when they go to the bathroom, but you do sometimes have to feed them and you also will feel obliged to do things like entertaining them and inviting them to Family Movie Night.
That's pretty much my life here. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being an adopted intern-pet, but I hate feeling like an imposition. But, Bethany and the Frazers are wonderful friends and make sure that I am included in everything, well-loved, and well-fed. Bethany and I worked on a project that she's doing in her house. It's a photo wall, and it's adorably whimsical. So many different frames, different sizes and shapes, colors, exactly the kind of thing that I adore. We positioned the frames in an aesthetically pleasing layout and then spent time supergluing backs on them so that they could hang on the wall that way. After that we headed to Living Water's House to celebrate the birthday of a very adorable Jenni, who I have had a secret handshake with since my first week here. She is so cute, and was a little princess on her birthday. Some children very nearly escaped some terrifying collisions with the baseball bat during the pinata-hitting time, and then we all enjoyed a bit of strawberry shortcake and strawberry-filled jello. Then it was time for Family + Kellie Movie Night with the Mondal and Frazer families. It was so much fun, and I didn't feel like such an imposition after all. We ate popcorn and pizza and all crowded onto their couch with the kids and the moms and the dads and me, and we watched Journey 2: Atlantis. At some point in the movie, between the bumble-bee riding and the submarine rescue, I got this amazingly overwhelming feeling of... something. Maybe a few things. Excitement, gratefulness, maybe some motivation thrown in there, about college. I know, I know, you're probably thinking, "Whaaaaat?" And yes, I did just say that; I got excited about college and really grateful that my parents are so willing to do everything in the world to have me there. All of the sudden, I was ready to take this thing in stride. College.
Mom and Dad, I know that you think this is a joke but it's not, and I probably won't have a lot to say about it other than this: I'm just ready now. And, you know, thank you, and you're the best, and cherries on top and all that jazz.
At long last, after years of rebellion and denial, Journey to the Center of the Earth 2 brought it out in me. What has become of me!?
After that, the kids all went to bed, and Kerry, Bethany, and I went to the Frazer house while Yuri and Andrew held down the Mondal Fort. We watched that movie This Means War, the one with Reese Witherspoon where she dates two guys at once. It was really a fun movie, and so nice to spend time with Bethany and Kerry, just hanging out. A really lovely day.

PANCAKES

I like pancakes. I really do. What a great food. You can make it literally however you want. You can add bananas inside or on top, or chocolate chips, or blueberries, or many fruits at one time, you get to add syrup on top or honey, or powdered sugar if you're feeling especially daring. You can make them thin, dark, thick, fluffy, giant, mini... there are so many options! If you make enough to have leftovers you can pull them out of the fridge and eat one as a snack. You can make a pancake sandwich. You can make pancake dippin' strips. You can make pancakes and eat eggs on the side, you can make pancakes and eat yogurt, you can make pancakes for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. Pancakes are the ultimate food. Just like pizza.
We were out of propane one day but I didn't realize this until after I had already make the pancake batter. So I used my giant brian to improvise and learned something marvelous. You can make pancakes... in the microwave. Serious. Just put batter in a pancake shape on a microwavable plate and stick those badboys in the microwave! The best part is that they get so fluffy AND you can't burn them. You just can't. You can overcook them, in which case they become a pancookie, and are equally as delicious. But I mean give them a good zap for a minute and a half or so, and you have perfect pancakes. What a great discovery. I know that this paragraph literally had nothing to do with Guatemala or orphans or me, but I just am so proud. Pancake history.

THE USUAL

I guess that the reason that I haven't said much about the kids in this update is that you already know everything I'm doing about now. It's an interesting difference between a one or two-week mission trip and a really long term one. Because in the past 2+ months of calling this place home and spending every moment of most every day here, it has become just that. My home of sorts. And sometimes at home there's a lot going on and really exciting things happening, and sometimes everyone just does their life. Kids go off to school and various extracirriculars while parents go to work, on Saturday each to his own and on Sunday everyone goes to church and maybe lunch. There's nothing very unusual about day-to-day life. It's just a routine, a schedule. But that is lovely. It's really lovely to have something to do everyday, all morning, after school, and have a week where everything just stays the same and is peaceful. I've been able to read books and take scheduled naps, get my jobs done and spend time loving kids, without any maddness or unorganized chaos going on at some point in the day. Of course there are always the unexpecteds that pop up in the day, but that's just life, too. Honestly, I think that's a really great thing here. It's such a normal way for these kids to grow up. No, there's not a party every day and some days it's rainy outside and things are just humdrum regular old life. But they have a system, something that they can count on, 3 meals a day and a warm bed. They aren't sleeping under buses anymore at night and they aren't fighting for their lives, scavenging for food, and trying to protect their siblings from nightly abuse. I would chose a day of having to stay inside and read a book over their up-in-the-air street life pasts every day of the week.
Bethany left this week for the States to go to a friend's wedding, which leaves me missing a friend, but it is going to be an amazing week, and I don't mind if it's filled with activities or just filled with breaths. I am alive here, and even in the middle of the day when I'm stuck inside, I am thankful to be where I am.

BACK TO SQUARE ONE

... also known as bedroom one. I found out that I'm going to be moving again, this time back to the apartment that I started out in with Monica. Some girls have to move from Family Faith House to the Sam Maple House, and the guy that's living in the Sam Maple House has to move here to Assembly House, so Lucia and I are being evicted. She's going to Sam Maple and I am going to live in Hospitality alone for my last two weeks. Alone, alone. Alone for the first time in two months. I am so looking forward to that. I really have loved living with all of these people, and I was challenged in every possible way by having to share so much space and time with people. What a beautiful experience that was! I learned so much and had my patience stretched beyond belief, something that really was a huge growing pain for me. Man, knowing that I have just two weeks left here is ridiculous, and I feel so blessed that I get kind of a debrief time in the Hospitality House. I'm going to have so much more alone time, and be able to really spend time with God, winding down after this crazy ride. I feel like I just went on an insane double-loops, forward, backward, upsidedown and every which-way roller coaster and now I'm at that bit where you feel the brakes kicking in and the wind softening at your face; that part where you come slowly to a stop and then sit there and take a few breaths, waiting for the seat-belts to release you back into the theme park, daring to pick your next ride. This ride was absolutely insane. And I'm so glad I picked it. No doubt that one day soon I will return to this very same roller coaster and ride again. There's no keeping away from it once you've tried it.


I know that I didn't really post much about the kids this week, or about much that happened, and I know that there weren't any amazing self-discovery stories really this week. Just kind of dumping my thoughts out on here as well as some miscellaneous activities. I mean, one of the most exciting parts of my week was finding out how to make pancakes in a microwave. That tells you something about the intruigue of my week. But I am still spending time with kids, learning things from God, and really enjoying the Guatemala wonders here! Right now not much is new, but just because it isn't new doesn't mean it isn't wonderful! Know that I'm loving every minute here, even if it's just sitting around the house. I know that God has me here for a reason and so I'm okay if it's not constant excitement, because obviously that's what God had in mind for this week. I love that. But I'm on the downhill now and as my time here grows shorter and shorter I know I will experience even more amazing things. I'm ready to finish strong!

14 days.

With very, very much love,
Kellie

UPDATE #8

It's Thursday? I thought yesterday was Monday... what happened to days being 24 hours long? Next time someone decides to speed up the days, I would love for them to consult me. Unless that person is God, in which case He probably shouldn't consult me about anything because He already knows everything. So that's good.  

MAMA KIMBERLY

Kim Tait came to visit the orphanage, Casa Angelina. It's so funny that just a little over a week ago, Ivan was here and now his wife is. They have the craziest life, and it's amazing. All week the kids were getting so excited about Kim coming. All I heard was "Mami Kim va a venir en _____ dias!" Mami Kimberly is coming in _____ days! The countdown was filled with widespread excitement. It's a beautiful set-up here that all of these kids have brothers, sisters, Aunts, Uncles, parent-figures, and Kim and Ivan, whom they call Mom and Dad. I love that. All of these children were taken from families that weren't families and homes that weren't homes, from lives that were scary and insecure, filled with physical and emotional pain and hunger physically, emotionally, and spiritually, for something more than they were given. Then they were brought to Casa Angelina where they were freely given love, attention, a warm bed, clothes, food, and a fully-functioning, massive family. A mom and dad. Mami Kimberly, who gives the best hugs in the world.
Their excitement throughout the week wore off on me and I found myself eager to see Kim and just sit down and talk with her. She's one of those people who always has something to share with you that will make you feel valuable. I hope to be like that. Just make people feel loved.
When she finally did come, we all greeted her with hugs and laughter and Asustena and I joined the crowd with our arms around each other, sitting on the wall and waiting our turn to say hello. Asustena calls me "bos" which means something similar to "dude" and she always wants hugs (perfect for me). She makes me laugh. I'm glad that Asustena was saved and brought here. So that she could feel loved by the person(s) who gave her a second chance.

LEGOS

I didn't actually know that you could turn a set of regular old yellow, blue, red, and green Legos into a salon, but that's what happened today in the grass in front of the Edmond House. I was passing time with some creative little girls, Blondie, Karen, Sephora, Susy, and Aura... after building a city, they then took the colorful blocks and used them to comb my hair, put oil and shampoo and conditioner in, wash it, comb it again, color my blonde locks with various Lego colors, and curl all of it, not forgetting provide me with invisible sweets - dulces - from their Lego candy dispenser. It was the funniest thing for me to watch but also so sweet to see them be so focused on invisibly transforming me. Under the hot afternoon sun, I caught myself thinking about the way I used to pretend. I began trying to pinpoint exactly when it was that I stopped doing it. Why do we stop? When do we become to real-life and too grown-up to cut off our mind from exploring it's own expanses, to stop ourselves from experiencing the magical alternate realities of superheroes and princesses, cardboard houses and secret portals? Their eyes lit up, watching me change inside their own imaginations as they did my hair and makeup with plastic blocks... and in my mind I hadn't changed at all. If only I could pretend like they could and see myself blossom from ordinary Kellie into beautiful, something-magnificent Kellie. To please them, as I gazed into a Barbie plate that served as a mirror, I just pretended to be amazed at my new appearance. And then realized that I was pretending anyway, just in the wrong way. All about perspective, you see.
I was wearing a white skirt and a red polka dotted shirt with pearls, and I had felt pretty before I even left the house that day. But let me tell you, I've never felt so pretty as I felt after looking at myself in the way that those small little girls were, in their mirror, through their eyes of imaginative admiration. To them, I was more than ordinary. I was beautiful, something-magnificent Kellie.

STILL DON'T KNOW

Still don't know if I'm cut out to be a teacher. However. This week I finally got my act together and made a schedule for after school private music lessons. I figured that while I will do my best in the classroom, I don't want to short-sell the kids that actually do want to put their effort into learning music. So I made a sign up list and was very pleased to have more than 20 kids sign up! I'm teaching voice, piano, and guitar. Some kids want all three instruments, some only two of the three, and some just want one, and I'm more than fine with that! So I made a schedule to have 6 lessons a day. It took a while to get the schedule to work out, but it finally did. Thankfully, Ronald and Kerry are also both going to teach some guitar classes throughout the week and on the weekend, which is good since it is my weakest instrument of the three, but I still have a full schedule every single day. I tried to get everyone a space for a second lesson, but I didn't have enough for all of them. I had to just decide who I thought would actually put effort into two lessons a week. After all, I'm only here for a few more weeks. So now I'm teaching classes all morning and then teaching classes until 5:00 every night, or later, if someone has to reschedule. I miss seeing so much of the sun, but it's also been really rewarding to watch certain kids get excited about learning scales and patterns, or rhythms and chords.The boy that I talked about last week, Lester, it's really great to do piano with him. He's usually very outgoing and crazy around his buddies, but one-on-one he's very very shy. Still, I can tell he's excited about learning piano and practiced everything over and over and over again. He keeps asking when he can come over to practice more and although I have lessons all afternoon, I keep letting him sneak in 10 and 15-minute practice spaces. Those are the kids that make it worth it, and make me think that maybe I wouldn't be such a bad teacher. I do really like sharing something that I love so much. Music speaks in every language. So I still don't know.

LUCIERNAGAS

I've only seen lighting bugs one time in my life ever. I think I was about 7 or 8. We went to Oklahoma to see my Aunt and Uncle and I remember just a few things... that our parents replaced the back seat with a mattress and put a TV in the car (which was the coolest possible way to drive to Oklahoma), that there were dogs outside the house when we got out of the car (which is the reason, to this day, that my sister is afraid of dogs), and that we saw lightning bugs (a memory that only just resurfaced here, in Guatemala).
Luciernagas are what we call lighting bugs, which are also called fireflies. I like the name luciernagas, because it sounds more magical. I think if I had been the person to name this magical bug, I would have called it something like fairy bugs, because it's less like lighting and more like magical fairy land. To walk out into the darkness and see millions of lights flashing on and off like Christmas lights in the grass and trees.... that's magical. So magical, in fact, that I felt myself turning toward childish delight and screaming with joy as I watched them, hopping up and down and running, skipping and laughing as they flew above my head, periodically lighting themselves to guide me along the tops of hills and through grass. And as my heart flittered with pleasure at these little bugs, I came to think about God. Why would God make these luminescent creatures? I came up with two answers to this question.
1) Because all of His creation is made to worship and adore Him. So cool to think that lighting bugs worship God and that He made them to light up like that because He thought it was an awesome idea.
2) Because He knew that at this moment, this very moment in time, that I would see fireflies and be filled with joy and awe of His creation. What a loving God, so intricate, that He designed things and put them in my path, things so small as lighting bugs... so that I may recognize Him and realize how big and wonderful He is. So that we might see His creation and uncover a little bit more about His heart.
Wow.
Lucia and I ran around outside and caught probably ten of them, threw them into our house one by one and laughed. I felt like a child, running in my rain boots, giggling as we scampered behind the buildings, through grass and up and down stairs, avoiding the lights that came from inside warm houses. We returned home and turned out the light. We watched as the little bugs lit up our ceiling like miniature flying night lights. We giggled some more. What a way to spend a night here.
I love luciernagas.

ADVICE

Tomorrow is May 16th, a day that literally made my world take a nose dive in the year 2011. Last year on this day I was a very different kind of person. I was broken. It's hard for me to believe that it's almost been a year since I was that girl. The difference then was that I had just had my heart broken for the first time. It was for real, too. Not just a fling, "oh, how my heart is broken," kind of thing. It was REAL. I really loved that boy. And anyone who has been in that situation understands. However, it is so interesting for me to look back a year later and see how much I've grown, in what ways and when. I realized today that if we hadn't gone our separate ways I wouldn't be here today, in Guatemala, and my life wouldn't be changing before my eyes. What a blessing that it was to be so broken-hearted, so that I could learn how to grow and be better, and have experiences like this. God really loves me a lot.
Tonight I asked Kim how you forgive yourself, even when God and everyone else forgave you a long time ago. Everyone knows I'm my biggest judge. She gave me some advice that I feel will stick to me always. "If, God forbid, you died today, what would people remember about your testimony? Would they remember the things you did wrong or would they remember how beautiful you were, how full of life and love, how much you spread around the Truth and the Love of God? So why would you not remember those things about yourself too? Just something to think about."
Well, I don't know for sure, but I'm fairly positive that you sitting there at your computer reading this blog are not going to remember my mistakes. You are not going to remember who I was this time last year, but you might remember how I made you feel, how I wasn't perfect but used my imperfection to grow and how I tried to learn... how I loved people and sought God, wanted more, and was blessed with beautiful things. At least, I hope that's what you'd remember. And I hope that you know, that's probably what I would remember about you, too.

RAINY DAYS

I came to Guatemala in hopes of having two summers in a row. Their summer months are, I think, February to May. June is supposed to be the beginning of the rainy season. However, I was not expecting this. It is the middle of May and we are drenched in rain. It's been since Monday that the rain has fallen pretty consistently. At least for an hour a day. Yesterday and today the rain have been constant, though, and only ceasing for moments at a time. I like the sound of the rain on the roof because it's comforting, and the way it gets so loud that your own thoughts could drown in the downpour. However, without a cozy fireplace or carpeted floors, it can get fairly chilly. Beside the fact that I caught a trifling head cold and having my feet frozen inside my slippers, it is almost impossible to go outside because the rain is so crazy and the ground is so muddy. At least, I think so, but there have been at least a couple of soccer games in the wet street, the players being soaked through. Gotta love those crazy kids! Being here in the rain makes me realize how awful humidity is, and I am really appreciating the dryness of Colorado cold. Because humid-cold sticks to your skin and doesn't get off, no matter how you might plead. Humid cold is colder than regular cold. I will admit, though, that the rain here is very pretty, pouring down in the valley over the looming network of trees and falling on the winding roads below. It's a nice way to wake up in the morning, looking out over that. Guatemala never stops being beautiful to me. It's strange to think that I won't see this view for much longer.

WHERE, O WHERE...

It's weird to think that I only have 22 days left here at Casa Angelina. Which is three weeks and one day. Which means four more updates (including this one) and just 22 days to figure out how to split in two. The truth is that I am torn between two places I now love. My friends and goals here in Guatemala are going to be really hard to leave, but I am so anxious to be home with my family and friends. I feel like my heart is playing on the teeter-totter of a playground, my own will taking turns up and down, up and down, between my two desires. I was talking to my friend Julia earlier and we decided that the best comprimise is to bring all of my family and friends down here, and stay forever. Or I guess we could flip it. Bring all of Casa Angelina to Colorado Springs. And we'll all live happily ever after. Or at least I will... but then again, I have learned in this place that it isn't all about me. Wait, hmm? Oh, yes, it's not all about me. Right. So for now I will leave aside my desire to uproot everyone I know and bring them together for my own satisfaction, and I will go home to Colorado in three weeks and one day, see all of your faces. And I will be thankful for the fact that I live in the technology age, where I will be able to watch through pictures and posts as these kids grow up and become people who are going to change Guatemala, and then the rest of the world, after they're done with that.
Where did all the time go? Where did it go? Sometimes I feel like I've been here a long, long time, but sometimes it feels like I just made it here yesterday, just met John and Diana on the plane, just helped Monica into bed after changing her clothes, just had my first day of school, just finally held Maria for the first time. And now I will have to go, soon. But don't worry... I don't doubt that I will come back, and maybe bring a few of you with me next time. Three weeks. And one day.

Which means that I'll be seeing you, in all the old familiar places, very very soon. Love you each, and thinking of you often.

Love,
Kellie

UPDATE #7: A New Leaf

Wonderful friends and family, here I am again with another update, more to tell you about this amazing trip. However, first, I have to inform you that I've turned over a "new leaf," as they say. I woke up this morning refreshed and renewed, ready to finish this last month "clothed in strength and dignity" (Proverbs 31:25). I had another long, challenging week but it was wonderful and revealed so many things to me about myself, my tendencies, my habits, my faults, my weakness. Many of these things are easy to find in ourselves, but not easy to fix. For example, if your kitchen is flooding with water it's easy to find the leak in the pipes under the sink. It is not, however, as easy to fix the said leak and usually takes time and money. Fortunately fixing things within my own being doesn't take money, but it does take time, patience, and wisdom. I don't like a lot of things about myself, but with the help of others and correction from God and people who are smarter than me, I think I am able to fix the problems instead of just see them. I feel incredibly blessed for that. I know that if I wasn't here I wouldn't have had these revelations and would feel incredibly weak and weary at this point in my life. That isn't the plan that God has for me, though, and I don't want to miss His plans because I'm too busy being dissatisfied with my own. That being said, here is Update #7.

HE KNOWS

The cool thing about God is that He knows our capabilities. He knew that I was going to be here and that I was going to struggle with things, like adjusting to the culture and learning to operate without personal time or space, missing my family, missing my friends; God even knew that I was going to be missing my adorable car "Mimi" right now. I know it sounds silly, but I love that little car. Anyway, God knows so well all of the things about me and I think that He knew that I was reaching the end of my rope. Regretfully, I have started to become irritable with some of the girls in my house. Of course, it's not their fault - it's definitely mine. I just am not used to the constant being with people, constant translating what people are saying, constantly being asked if people can have and borrow my things, and all of the other cultural things. For them, this isn't unusual at all and is very common between all of them!
So today, there was a meeting with Kim and Ivan Tait (who started the orphanage) via Skype with all of the kids. It was adorable watching them wave to the computer screen, watching their faces light up at seeing their Mami and Papi. I could tell that some of the kids just wanted to run up and hug the screen, something that my parents told me they've tried while talking to me here. So sweet. The reason for the meeting was to tell the kids about the big change that is going to happen: everyone is moving houses, families, everything. You can imagine how hard some of them took it because of the set-up here. They have close-knit families, brothers, sisters, parent-figures. But, again, He knows, and the Taits know, exactly what they're doing and I really think the changes here will be great.
God also knew that I wouldn't probably be able to handle myself moving into a new house with 25 girls instead of 13. So I found out that I will actually be moving into a house myself, with one other friend of mine Lucia! Which is a huge relief, although I know I will miss spending as much time with the girls. Kim and Bethany and myself, and anyone really,  knows that I will be more effective here if I have more space and time to rest instead of being surrounded and working 24/7. I know that this will be a really good change of pace for me and I cross my heart promise to anyone in the world - I have learned so much from that experience. I will never take things for granted again, like space, having my own room, being able to eat what I want and wake up on my own. I love that. And I never realized how spoiled I am to have that constantly. Thank God that He knows me better than I know myself, and knew that I needed to learn that lesson however hard it was. We move in a week!

PIANO

There's a kid here named Lester. Lester is one of the kids that I remember most from my fiirst visit to Casa Angelina. He was always really funny but also timid... wouldn't say much but was always pulling some funny face. He's pretty much the same way now and delights in giving me a hard time (which I love). A lot of days he will tell me that he doesn't want to talk or he's mad at me or we're not friends, but then run up from behind me and hug me so tight I think I'm going to pass out. Recently this sweet & sour boy has been absolutely begging me to teach piano. "Kellie tomorrow in class can we please please please please please learn piano please I want to learn it so bad PLEASE!" A few of the days I've had to say no because I already had class time planned out, but finally I was able to say yes this week. Learning piano isn't easy, but Lester is all focus. Sherly, the new girl, is also really into the piano and I was blessed to see her smile at me for the first time when she picked out a little melody. I love it when they actually want to learn what I want to teach. Lester's working on Mary Had a Little Lamb and also just learning the names of the notes, and it is so rewarding when I hear his progress and see him get excited himself. I hope to teach him some more things before I go, more songs, and knowledge that will be valuable in him continuing to get better even when I'm gone.

MOTHER

For most of my life I've expected that I'm going to get married and have children and then buy a house and have a life and go on vacations to DisneyWorld and stuff like that, because that's just what you do. Somewhere along the way I realized that I hadn't actually made that decision myself, I just knew that's what was going to happen because that's just... what you do! There's no explanation. No one told me "Hey you have to get married one day and have three kids and build snowmen with them and be a mom and learn how to cook." It's just what everyone does. So shortly after a very rough patch in my 2011, I developed some kind of fear of commitment consequently. Kids and a husband? Are you kidding me? That's a lifetime commitment that you CAN NOT go back on. I was terrified of that reality, just talking about it made me nervous. However in the past few weeks God has been softening that in me. Today, I was reading a book outside on a hill, hidden between some trees and a tall wall, when Blondie tiptoed over to me, her shiny curls bouncing around her face and framing her precious dimples. After playing and talking for a minute she laid down with her head in my lap. (She was tired because she has chicken pox and was up all night with a fever.) We both looked out over the trees and the cars driving on the roads outside of Casa Angelina... it was cloudy but still incredibly warm; the combination of beauty and heat washed over me and made me feel peace. I was drawing circles and scrunches and lines on her back, tracing the pink and yellow plaid until she was asleep. Her breaths slowed down and I touched her soft cheek - it was while I sitting there with her tiny body in my arms that I realized I'm going to be a good mother. Not because anyone told me to or because it's expected of me... but because God gave me that gift. I'm not afraid of that anymore. Because a mother is just someone to scratch yoout back until you fall asleep and stay up all night when you have chicken pox, someone to teach you not to make her mistakes. I don't want my kids to turn out like me because I want them to be better. But just because they might have blue eyes and blonde curls doesn't mean that they will be just like me, and I can teach them to be different. And I'm really great at hugging and scratching backs and drying little tears. And that's what a mother is. Just like my own mom.

ESPEJO, ESPEJO, ON THE WALL...

I bought a mirror at the Dollar Store that I could bring here. It's small and red, one of those two-sided mirrors where you can look at yourself normally on one side and seee how pretty you are, but if you flip it around you get to see the up-close terrifying reality of dry skin, pores, under-eye bags, and flaky mascara.
I dropped that stupid mirror today and it shattered into lots of pieces on the orange tile floor.
I think that having so few things makes it a bigger deal to lose my 3x3 inch mirror... or my Bible... or anything. I just want to cling to my 30-odd comforts from home and not share them or lose them and especially not break them. Really, I know that this isn't really the way that I should look at these things, since everything fades and breaks and gets lost except God. My materialism is atrocious. However, it's real. I have to admit that I had a second of frustration, but relented and went to retrieve a broom and dust pan. I thought to myself as I was cleaning up "Why? Why did the dumb mirror have to break?" But the act of asking myself that question actually made me think.... WHY did that mirror break? Now, believe me when I say that I was NOT looking for some kind of revelation in a $1.00 mirror. That revelation must have been looking for me, because as I picked up the little red thing off the ground I realized that only one size had broken. The magnified side. A word from God immediately came to me and settled on my heart, "You need to stop scrutinizing and magnifying the tiny imperfections and take a step back - look at the bigger picture and realize how beautiful I've made it. You need to stop scrutinizing and magnifying the tiny imperfections in YOU, too. As much as I want you to learn and grow, I also want you to stop being so hard on yourself. Look at yourself as a beautiful whole. Who are you, Kellie Prophet? Once you realize who you are in me, I will take care of the small blemishes out of My own power. Not believing that is pride, vanity. Stop looking and start seeing."
If there was ever a good reason for my mirror from the DollarTree to break, I'd say that was a good reason. He gets me every time.

LET GO

Today is Saturday and thus, Jovenes. After joking around with Ronald and then playing a game with the group, we had a worship and prayer session. Towards the beginning of this, Andrew prayed for me.
"Kellie, I feel like God is just telling you to let go. Let go of whatever it is that you're holding on to that's keeping you from experiencing what He has for you completely. It's keeping you from seeing the greatness of His plan. You're holding onto it tightly but if you're going to be obedient then you just have to let it go and give it to Him, trust Him, and then come to Him."
At first a million things came to mind that I realized I should probably let go of, but then I realized that if there are a million things, it probably means a more general letting go... I need to let go of myself. It's like Jesus says, that to lose your life is to gain it. Easier said than done, of course, but I'm starting to get the message loud and clear.

EMERGENCY EXIT

Today is Yuri's birthday (he's the director of the orphanage who lives here with his family). There was a big party so in between my classes I went to his party where everyone ate cake and went around the table telling Yuri things that they love about him. Ethan - Bethany and Andrew's son - and I had a great time taking pictures of everyone with my new camera, playing stealth spy while we took shots of unexpecting party people. It is a beautiful day outside but I can see a storm coming in... it's also been one month today that Ryan died. We had never gone that long without talking. I went back to my house and worked on some things on the computer, trying to figure out where I am at with things for Belmont. Of course, I did the usual "get sidetracked by the joys of Facebook" thing for a while and recieved an unfortunate message. Since before I left the states I had been hoping that my best friends and "brothers" Courtney, Connor, and Hunter, would come to Guatemala to visit me. We were all hoping that they would come in the beginning of June, the first week or so, and that was part of my motivation to be strong through May. Unfortunately, in the message I recieved today I found out that they can't come at all. I'm of course disappointed, and was already close to the edge of an emotional breakdown. I realize that I need a change of scenery; I haven't left the compound in a month. So before I completely go off the deep end I ask Bethany if I can go to town with Hermano Luis. I need an emergency exit. So she says yes, and I hop in the truck with Luis, Lucia, and Alex, all five of us going on our own errands. Lucia and I get dropped off at the mall where I am more thankful than ever to enjoy some Domino's and a blazing hot chai tea latte, and looking at clothes and buying rechargable batteries for my new camera. It was a really nice day out and I'm so thankful that I got a chance to see something different today.

SING-SONG

My goal in all of my classes is to teach them songs that they can perform for their programs. Every time a mission team comes to Casa Angelina, the kids put on sort of a show and do songs and dances and skits and what-not. So I'm teaching each group of kids something different. In the pre-school/kindergarden I'm teaching them this dance + song that's called "Un Elephante". The song talks about one elephant swinging and balancing around a spider web without falling and looking wonderful until he (or she) goes to call another elephant friend to join them. Then the song just continues to add elephants until all of the pre-schoolers and kindergardeners are tumbling their way around a spider web made out of yarn. The trick is to get them to sing the song instead of just being diverted by the fun of stepping into the shapes of the spider web, but I've asked some older kids to sing along just in case. In the 1st/2nd grade, the kids are learning to do The Itsy Bitsy Spider - in Spanish and in English. It's really funny so far because most of them can say "The itsy bitsy spider" bit really well... anything after that is just pretending to make words. The system that works well so far is that I'll sing them a line of the song and they sing it back to me. If we walk through the song pronouncing the words one by one they can say them all really well, but it's sentences where they get lost. It's adorable. Still, I hope that they can learn it, the actual words, soon. The 3rd/4th graders don't really like to sing, actually. They like to dance. So for them we're working out a dance to the song "Walking on Sunshine" because it's the only upbeat song they seem to know in English. They really like it but the hard part is getting them to dance with a partner of the opposite sex without running away and screaming and trying to hide behind me. I don't know what they're thinking, hiding behind me, when I'm the one making them do it, and that makes me laugh. But when they do the dance for real they look great and I can tell that they really do like it. The 5th/6th grade is a bit of a different story because it is a huge challenge to get them all to listen and then to do something at the same time. We're working on it, but that class is still taking a lot more patience than I think I have some days. Right now we've split the song "I Will Exalt You" by Hillsong into Spanish and English (first verse English, second verse Spanish, etc.). They seem to like it but they are so shy when it comes to performing that I have to be completely silent just to listen and see if some of them are singing. They're all trying to, at least, but it's the confidence that just hasn't caught up with them yet. I was thinking about having the high schoolers do a different song than the 5/6th grade, but I'm feeling like I might toss them in together so that they are audible if they actually have to perform it one day. The high school isn't working on a lot right now anyway, since all that they want to do in music class is music theory. That's good for me, since I love theory and everything to do with the understanding and construction of music, but I'm being really challenged because it's hard to teach. I mean, music theory is hard to teach in ENGLISH, so it's taking a lot of patience and creativity from me to come up with ways to teach it in Spanish. Thankfully I have Sonya in that class and she's good at English and good with helping me. By the end of the month I want to have all of these classes doing their songs by heart and loving music a little bit more.

FINDING NEMO

Pretty much anyone that knows me knows that I'm really hard on myself. I've come to realize it, too, but it's harder to change than it is to notice.
I finally had the chance to sit down and talk with Bethany about everything and anything. We spent a good 3.5 hours talking about life here, life at home, school, friends, Ryan, everything. Talking a lot about me. It's hard for me to talk about myself like that outside of my very close friends and family and I struggled to tell her my real thoughts or motivations or feelings. After a while, I was able to open up a little more and really talk to her. It was a really good conversation and I ended up leaving knowing a little more about myself... but still being pretty hard on myself. I don't know why I do that - I think it's just a habit. Never good enough for myself. The next day I had another good conversation with Kim and Craig from Colorado over the phone. By the end of this conversation I realized that I needed to change some things here, because my attitude toward the culture and the situations that I was thrown into was taking the spotlight, instead of the amazing opportunities I've been handed to love these children and learn from God. Again, I struggled for most of the day with this realization, judging myself pretty harshly for what I'd "ruined" in my own mind. I don't want to be that person who isn't happy no matter where they are, but I had somehow turned into that. I left Colorado to come here because I wasn't happy and I thought that a change of pace would help me, getting outside of my comfort zone would make me grow. But I got here and the growing was more painful and tiring than I had expected, and all of the sudden I wasn't happy. This is what I had wanted, to be pushed to my limits and used for something good and to grow, right? And here I am, complaining day in and day out... taking this beautiful opportunity for granted. I really struggled all day with my own thoughts and emotions, feeling the weight of everything that happened here. I just realized that I'm not really a great person and that I make mistakes and that I'm not as strong as I thoguht I was coming into this. I need God. Finally that night I realized that I needed to sit down again with Bethany and talk to her about everything... the way I've been and what I have been thinking about all day.
I wish that you all could know Bethany. I don't think I've ever seen her get upset at anything - she is constantly upbeat, loving outrageously, willing to give up all of her time and space to anyone that knocks on the door or talks to her through her windows. She is just wonderful... gracious and kind. Talking to her will really make you feel cared for. I want to be more like her every day, just excited about life and God and loving people always. It's because God is so all over her life that she's like that, He's the focus and the author of everything, giving her all of this strength and beauty and wisdom. While talking to her I got that word - again - that I just need to let go. I just need to let go of things. Stop being so hard on myself and stop dwelling on mistakes that I've made in the past and the present and just love God and be thankful for what I have, every day and every beat of my heart, that I'm here in Guatemala and having adventures and being alive.
Okay, this is probably the 4th or 5th time that God has said that to me in the past week, whether in a book or from someone's mouth or just in my own thoughts... just in the past week. I'm not a genius, but I'm not stupid and I think that in that moment I understood the weight of the message. This wasn't something that God was suggesting. This wasn't something that I should "think" about doing. Not letting go after someone tells you to let go multiple times over a short week... that's just straight up ridiculous disobedience.
Do you remember in Finding Nemo when Marlin and Dory are inside the whale's mouth? When the whale stops, the water starts draining from his mouth because he's about to blow all of the water out. The huge whale tongue tilts back and Dory says "Okay!" and immediately lets go of the whale-tounge, having faith that she's going to be fine. But Marlin reaches out and catches her, panicking, clinging to those taste buds. She says to Marlin, "He said 'It's time to let go!' Everything's going to be alright!"
Marlin: "How do you know?! How do you know something bad isn't going to happen!?"
Dory: "I don't!"
Then they take the leap (or fall) of faith, letting go of the giant tongue and are saved from death by being blown out of the whale - arriving in Sydney, which is exactly where they wanted to be in the first place. P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney.
This is my life right now. I'm at that moment of deciding whether I'm going to cling to what I know or just let go, taking a leap of faith into the unknown. No, I'm not inside of a whale hanging onto a taste bud and I'm not a fish, and God isn't a whale, and I DO know that something bad isn't going to happen if I trust God. I know that only good things can happen when I trust God... so why is it so hard to let go? I'm a person that likes to have things in my control, under my supervision. I think it's especially hard to let go of my problems, more than anything, because I want to fix them first and have myself all cleaned up, and for my "baggage" to be neatly folded and tied up with ribbons. But He said it's time to let go. I do know that, and nothing bad could happen. It's really me just laying down my pride. And if I do that, I might just end up in my "Sydney," the right exact place that I wanted to be all along.
So I just let it all go.

FRESHNESS

Today is Thursday - moving day. I'm moving to the Assembly House with Lucia and all of the other girls from our house are moving across the street to Family Faith House. I'm thankful to be moving because I will have a little more space and rest there, but hopefully still be able to be involved in what the girls are doing and the other kids' lives, too. I woke up today really feeling different... I feel released from all of that weight that I was carrying. I have a new beginning right now and I'm not going to give it up. I am going to take that for myself and really BEGIN ANEW. A fresh start. I have a renewed motivation to do good in these people's lives and to be selfless, and to not judge myself so harshly when I'm not perfect, when I can't control everything that happens. I'm just letting it go, giving it to the only One strong enough to take it all on.
While we're moving, I keep walking past kids carrying their things and seeing them fills me with joy. I have truly come to love each and every one of them and I can't pass them without telling them how much I love them or how beautiful they are. After a long and tiring day of moving things here back and forth between multiple houses, I get to settle into my own new house. This is the third time that I've moved into some new place at C.A. First Hospitality House, then Genesis House, now Assembly. Assembly is like a studio apartment, basically, with a curtain that divides the lounge area from the bedroom area/kitchen. It's adorable and I'm thankful to spend my last month here. I also really love interior designing, so having a house of my own is great because I got a chance to move some furniture around and do my thing. I did learn that we have all of one spoon and one fork, but I'm sure we can find more somewhere. It made Lucia and I laugh. I'm glad to be staying with her - she's fun, easy to talk to, but also is someone who likes time for herself to think and get things done.

NEW SHOES

That night after we're all moved in, I walk around the orphanage finding kids. I have to take down their sizes of clothing so that they can get new things, and I was trying to do it during school, but they don't really know their sizes off the top of their heads. I thought it would be easier to do it where we could actually look at all of their clothes. I went to Genesis House first, which is now the "Men of God" house. All of the teenage boys and a few young ones are living there with Luis and Nineth, which will be great. Lester, Byron, and Moyses found some baby rabbits the other day and carry them around with them. They named the three "conejitos" Lester, Byron, and Moyses. Creative. I get their sizes and then go to the Leyes House to get the sizes of two of the new kiddos, Henry and Susy. When I arrived there was an explosion of loving on me. It was absolutely renewing to my spirit to have all of those kids hugging me and telling me how much they love me. I went to get Henry's sizes of shoes and shirts and pants and was overwhelmed when every kid then brought me their own shoes and pants and shirts, telling me their sizes and asking if they could have new this-or-that. It was sweet but I also felt sad. I wanted to be able to promise them all new shoes and everything in the world that they'd ever wanted. But instead I just wrote down their sizes and said "We'll see!" they're so excited about maybe getting new clothes that I think I'm going to do something about it. I know that I can't promise them new clothes from the same lady that is going to buy some new clothes for the new kids here, and the older girls. I'm going to try to start something though, when I get back into the states, to raise money for these shoes and shirts and pants. In fact, I could start it right now. If you have read this far into the blog, first off, congratulations. I know they're always long updates. Second of all, if you would like to donate to help these kids buy new clothes or shoes, there are two ways to do it. One is that you can go online to my "Kellie Prophet Goes Guatemalan" Facebook page. If you hit that up, there is a link at the top next to the photos that says "DONATE." If you click on that you can donate to my PayPal account, because I plan on personally donating $100 and anything that is donated directly to the ministry before I leave, for new shoes and clothes. I know it's not a lot but I'm a poor college student :) Another way to donate, if you don't want the money to go through me but through the ministry instead, you can go to www.whatmattersmm.org and at the top of the page there is a big yellow button that says Donate. You can go through the process and when you get to the donating part you can actually choose what you want your money to go to. Which I like.
Josue's shoes are literally falling apart. They're too small and the sole is tearing away. His friends Nielson and Jose Miguel need shoes too. Yosenia only has one pair of non-tennis shoes, and they are actaully old tap dancing shoes. They still have the metal toe, even. There is so much done here for these kids and they are by no means poorly looked after. But if you'd like to personally help them, donating to them would be the best way. Of course, please don't feel obligated - I don't want to beg you for your money. This is only if you feel really led to donate to this cause!
There you are. Also I'll be starting this up on a bigger scale when I get back, and when I go to school, so if you can think of a great name for a money/clothing drive for these kids at Casa Angelina, I would appreciate your ideas and feedback!

So that is my update. I know it was long, again, because man, I just have so much to tell you and I don't want to forget a single thing. I hope that after my Point of Clarification post you know how thankful I am to be here and how highly I think of Casa Angelina and this ministry. I feel bad for not being more thankful earlier and for letting my struggles get in the way of my blessings. But it's been a really great lesson and I'm glad that I finally realized how to "let go" and just love God and work towards a faith-driven relationship with him, instead of a relationship with Him that is controlled and dictated by my own means and regulations. What kind of faith is that anyway? Controlled faith... sounds a lot like religion. I don't want religion. I want Jesus. So there it is. I'm letting go. A month to go at Casa Angelina... and I know that in a month I'm not going to want to leave.

Love,
Kellie