UPDATE #7: A New Leaf

Wonderful friends and family, here I am again with another update, more to tell you about this amazing trip. However, first, I have to inform you that I've turned over a "new leaf," as they say. I woke up this morning refreshed and renewed, ready to finish this last month "clothed in strength and dignity" (Proverbs 31:25). I had another long, challenging week but it was wonderful and revealed so many things to me about myself, my tendencies, my habits, my faults, my weakness. Many of these things are easy to find in ourselves, but not easy to fix. For example, if your kitchen is flooding with water it's easy to find the leak in the pipes under the sink. It is not, however, as easy to fix the said leak and usually takes time and money. Fortunately fixing things within my own being doesn't take money, but it does take time, patience, and wisdom. I don't like a lot of things about myself, but with the help of others and correction from God and people who are smarter than me, I think I am able to fix the problems instead of just see them. I feel incredibly blessed for that. I know that if I wasn't here I wouldn't have had these revelations and would feel incredibly weak and weary at this point in my life. That isn't the plan that God has for me, though, and I don't want to miss His plans because I'm too busy being dissatisfied with my own. That being said, here is Update #7.

HE KNOWS

The cool thing about God is that He knows our capabilities. He knew that I was going to be here and that I was going to struggle with things, like adjusting to the culture and learning to operate without personal time or space, missing my family, missing my friends; God even knew that I was going to be missing my adorable car "Mimi" right now. I know it sounds silly, but I love that little car. Anyway, God knows so well all of the things about me and I think that He knew that I was reaching the end of my rope. Regretfully, I have started to become irritable with some of the girls in my house. Of course, it's not their fault - it's definitely mine. I just am not used to the constant being with people, constant translating what people are saying, constantly being asked if people can have and borrow my things, and all of the other cultural things. For them, this isn't unusual at all and is very common between all of them!
So today, there was a meeting with Kim and Ivan Tait (who started the orphanage) via Skype with all of the kids. It was adorable watching them wave to the computer screen, watching their faces light up at seeing their Mami and Papi. I could tell that some of the kids just wanted to run up and hug the screen, something that my parents told me they've tried while talking to me here. So sweet. The reason for the meeting was to tell the kids about the big change that is going to happen: everyone is moving houses, families, everything. You can imagine how hard some of them took it because of the set-up here. They have close-knit families, brothers, sisters, parent-figures. But, again, He knows, and the Taits know, exactly what they're doing and I really think the changes here will be great.
God also knew that I wouldn't probably be able to handle myself moving into a new house with 25 girls instead of 13. So I found out that I will actually be moving into a house myself, with one other friend of mine Lucia! Which is a huge relief, although I know I will miss spending as much time with the girls. Kim and Bethany and myself, and anyone really,  knows that I will be more effective here if I have more space and time to rest instead of being surrounded and working 24/7. I know that this will be a really good change of pace for me and I cross my heart promise to anyone in the world - I have learned so much from that experience. I will never take things for granted again, like space, having my own room, being able to eat what I want and wake up on my own. I love that. And I never realized how spoiled I am to have that constantly. Thank God that He knows me better than I know myself, and knew that I needed to learn that lesson however hard it was. We move in a week!

PIANO

There's a kid here named Lester. Lester is one of the kids that I remember most from my fiirst visit to Casa Angelina. He was always really funny but also timid... wouldn't say much but was always pulling some funny face. He's pretty much the same way now and delights in giving me a hard time (which I love). A lot of days he will tell me that he doesn't want to talk or he's mad at me or we're not friends, but then run up from behind me and hug me so tight I think I'm going to pass out. Recently this sweet & sour boy has been absolutely begging me to teach piano. "Kellie tomorrow in class can we please please please please please learn piano please I want to learn it so bad PLEASE!" A few of the days I've had to say no because I already had class time planned out, but finally I was able to say yes this week. Learning piano isn't easy, but Lester is all focus. Sherly, the new girl, is also really into the piano and I was blessed to see her smile at me for the first time when she picked out a little melody. I love it when they actually want to learn what I want to teach. Lester's working on Mary Had a Little Lamb and also just learning the names of the notes, and it is so rewarding when I hear his progress and see him get excited himself. I hope to teach him some more things before I go, more songs, and knowledge that will be valuable in him continuing to get better even when I'm gone.

MOTHER

For most of my life I've expected that I'm going to get married and have children and then buy a house and have a life and go on vacations to DisneyWorld and stuff like that, because that's just what you do. Somewhere along the way I realized that I hadn't actually made that decision myself, I just knew that's what was going to happen because that's just... what you do! There's no explanation. No one told me "Hey you have to get married one day and have three kids and build snowmen with them and be a mom and learn how to cook." It's just what everyone does. So shortly after a very rough patch in my 2011, I developed some kind of fear of commitment consequently. Kids and a husband? Are you kidding me? That's a lifetime commitment that you CAN NOT go back on. I was terrified of that reality, just talking about it made me nervous. However in the past few weeks God has been softening that in me. Today, I was reading a book outside on a hill, hidden between some trees and a tall wall, when Blondie tiptoed over to me, her shiny curls bouncing around her face and framing her precious dimples. After playing and talking for a minute she laid down with her head in my lap. (She was tired because she has chicken pox and was up all night with a fever.) We both looked out over the trees and the cars driving on the roads outside of Casa Angelina... it was cloudy but still incredibly warm; the combination of beauty and heat washed over me and made me feel peace. I was drawing circles and scrunches and lines on her back, tracing the pink and yellow plaid until she was asleep. Her breaths slowed down and I touched her soft cheek - it was while I sitting there with her tiny body in my arms that I realized I'm going to be a good mother. Not because anyone told me to or because it's expected of me... but because God gave me that gift. I'm not afraid of that anymore. Because a mother is just someone to scratch yoout back until you fall asleep and stay up all night when you have chicken pox, someone to teach you not to make her mistakes. I don't want my kids to turn out like me because I want them to be better. But just because they might have blue eyes and blonde curls doesn't mean that they will be just like me, and I can teach them to be different. And I'm really great at hugging and scratching backs and drying little tears. And that's what a mother is. Just like my own mom.

ESPEJO, ESPEJO, ON THE WALL...

I bought a mirror at the Dollar Store that I could bring here. It's small and red, one of those two-sided mirrors where you can look at yourself normally on one side and seee how pretty you are, but if you flip it around you get to see the up-close terrifying reality of dry skin, pores, under-eye bags, and flaky mascara.
I dropped that stupid mirror today and it shattered into lots of pieces on the orange tile floor.
I think that having so few things makes it a bigger deal to lose my 3x3 inch mirror... or my Bible... or anything. I just want to cling to my 30-odd comforts from home and not share them or lose them and especially not break them. Really, I know that this isn't really the way that I should look at these things, since everything fades and breaks and gets lost except God. My materialism is atrocious. However, it's real. I have to admit that I had a second of frustration, but relented and went to retrieve a broom and dust pan. I thought to myself as I was cleaning up "Why? Why did the dumb mirror have to break?" But the act of asking myself that question actually made me think.... WHY did that mirror break? Now, believe me when I say that I was NOT looking for some kind of revelation in a $1.00 mirror. That revelation must have been looking for me, because as I picked up the little red thing off the ground I realized that only one size had broken. The magnified side. A word from God immediately came to me and settled on my heart, "You need to stop scrutinizing and magnifying the tiny imperfections and take a step back - look at the bigger picture and realize how beautiful I've made it. You need to stop scrutinizing and magnifying the tiny imperfections in YOU, too. As much as I want you to learn and grow, I also want you to stop being so hard on yourself. Look at yourself as a beautiful whole. Who are you, Kellie Prophet? Once you realize who you are in me, I will take care of the small blemishes out of My own power. Not believing that is pride, vanity. Stop looking and start seeing."
If there was ever a good reason for my mirror from the DollarTree to break, I'd say that was a good reason. He gets me every time.

LET GO

Today is Saturday and thus, Jovenes. After joking around with Ronald and then playing a game with the group, we had a worship and prayer session. Towards the beginning of this, Andrew prayed for me.
"Kellie, I feel like God is just telling you to let go. Let go of whatever it is that you're holding on to that's keeping you from experiencing what He has for you completely. It's keeping you from seeing the greatness of His plan. You're holding onto it tightly but if you're going to be obedient then you just have to let it go and give it to Him, trust Him, and then come to Him."
At first a million things came to mind that I realized I should probably let go of, but then I realized that if there are a million things, it probably means a more general letting go... I need to let go of myself. It's like Jesus says, that to lose your life is to gain it. Easier said than done, of course, but I'm starting to get the message loud and clear.

EMERGENCY EXIT

Today is Yuri's birthday (he's the director of the orphanage who lives here with his family). There was a big party so in between my classes I went to his party where everyone ate cake and went around the table telling Yuri things that they love about him. Ethan - Bethany and Andrew's son - and I had a great time taking pictures of everyone with my new camera, playing stealth spy while we took shots of unexpecting party people. It is a beautiful day outside but I can see a storm coming in... it's also been one month today that Ryan died. We had never gone that long without talking. I went back to my house and worked on some things on the computer, trying to figure out where I am at with things for Belmont. Of course, I did the usual "get sidetracked by the joys of Facebook" thing for a while and recieved an unfortunate message. Since before I left the states I had been hoping that my best friends and "brothers" Courtney, Connor, and Hunter, would come to Guatemala to visit me. We were all hoping that they would come in the beginning of June, the first week or so, and that was part of my motivation to be strong through May. Unfortunately, in the message I recieved today I found out that they can't come at all. I'm of course disappointed, and was already close to the edge of an emotional breakdown. I realize that I need a change of scenery; I haven't left the compound in a month. So before I completely go off the deep end I ask Bethany if I can go to town with Hermano Luis. I need an emergency exit. So she says yes, and I hop in the truck with Luis, Lucia, and Alex, all five of us going on our own errands. Lucia and I get dropped off at the mall where I am more thankful than ever to enjoy some Domino's and a blazing hot chai tea latte, and looking at clothes and buying rechargable batteries for my new camera. It was a really nice day out and I'm so thankful that I got a chance to see something different today.

SING-SONG

My goal in all of my classes is to teach them songs that they can perform for their programs. Every time a mission team comes to Casa Angelina, the kids put on sort of a show and do songs and dances and skits and what-not. So I'm teaching each group of kids something different. In the pre-school/kindergarden I'm teaching them this dance + song that's called "Un Elephante". The song talks about one elephant swinging and balancing around a spider web without falling and looking wonderful until he (or she) goes to call another elephant friend to join them. Then the song just continues to add elephants until all of the pre-schoolers and kindergardeners are tumbling their way around a spider web made out of yarn. The trick is to get them to sing the song instead of just being diverted by the fun of stepping into the shapes of the spider web, but I've asked some older kids to sing along just in case. In the 1st/2nd grade, the kids are learning to do The Itsy Bitsy Spider - in Spanish and in English. It's really funny so far because most of them can say "The itsy bitsy spider" bit really well... anything after that is just pretending to make words. The system that works well so far is that I'll sing them a line of the song and they sing it back to me. If we walk through the song pronouncing the words one by one they can say them all really well, but it's sentences where they get lost. It's adorable. Still, I hope that they can learn it, the actual words, soon. The 3rd/4th graders don't really like to sing, actually. They like to dance. So for them we're working out a dance to the song "Walking on Sunshine" because it's the only upbeat song they seem to know in English. They really like it but the hard part is getting them to dance with a partner of the opposite sex without running away and screaming and trying to hide behind me. I don't know what they're thinking, hiding behind me, when I'm the one making them do it, and that makes me laugh. But when they do the dance for real they look great and I can tell that they really do like it. The 5th/6th grade is a bit of a different story because it is a huge challenge to get them all to listen and then to do something at the same time. We're working on it, but that class is still taking a lot more patience than I think I have some days. Right now we've split the song "I Will Exalt You" by Hillsong into Spanish and English (first verse English, second verse Spanish, etc.). They seem to like it but they are so shy when it comes to performing that I have to be completely silent just to listen and see if some of them are singing. They're all trying to, at least, but it's the confidence that just hasn't caught up with them yet. I was thinking about having the high schoolers do a different song than the 5/6th grade, but I'm feeling like I might toss them in together so that they are audible if they actually have to perform it one day. The high school isn't working on a lot right now anyway, since all that they want to do in music class is music theory. That's good for me, since I love theory and everything to do with the understanding and construction of music, but I'm being really challenged because it's hard to teach. I mean, music theory is hard to teach in ENGLISH, so it's taking a lot of patience and creativity from me to come up with ways to teach it in Spanish. Thankfully I have Sonya in that class and she's good at English and good with helping me. By the end of the month I want to have all of these classes doing their songs by heart and loving music a little bit more.

FINDING NEMO

Pretty much anyone that knows me knows that I'm really hard on myself. I've come to realize it, too, but it's harder to change than it is to notice.
I finally had the chance to sit down and talk with Bethany about everything and anything. We spent a good 3.5 hours talking about life here, life at home, school, friends, Ryan, everything. Talking a lot about me. It's hard for me to talk about myself like that outside of my very close friends and family and I struggled to tell her my real thoughts or motivations or feelings. After a while, I was able to open up a little more and really talk to her. It was a really good conversation and I ended up leaving knowing a little more about myself... but still being pretty hard on myself. I don't know why I do that - I think it's just a habit. Never good enough for myself. The next day I had another good conversation with Kim and Craig from Colorado over the phone. By the end of this conversation I realized that I needed to change some things here, because my attitude toward the culture and the situations that I was thrown into was taking the spotlight, instead of the amazing opportunities I've been handed to love these children and learn from God. Again, I struggled for most of the day with this realization, judging myself pretty harshly for what I'd "ruined" in my own mind. I don't want to be that person who isn't happy no matter where they are, but I had somehow turned into that. I left Colorado to come here because I wasn't happy and I thought that a change of pace would help me, getting outside of my comfort zone would make me grow. But I got here and the growing was more painful and tiring than I had expected, and all of the sudden I wasn't happy. This is what I had wanted, to be pushed to my limits and used for something good and to grow, right? And here I am, complaining day in and day out... taking this beautiful opportunity for granted. I really struggled all day with my own thoughts and emotions, feeling the weight of everything that happened here. I just realized that I'm not really a great person and that I make mistakes and that I'm not as strong as I thoguht I was coming into this. I need God. Finally that night I realized that I needed to sit down again with Bethany and talk to her about everything... the way I've been and what I have been thinking about all day.
I wish that you all could know Bethany. I don't think I've ever seen her get upset at anything - she is constantly upbeat, loving outrageously, willing to give up all of her time and space to anyone that knocks on the door or talks to her through her windows. She is just wonderful... gracious and kind. Talking to her will really make you feel cared for. I want to be more like her every day, just excited about life and God and loving people always. It's because God is so all over her life that she's like that, He's the focus and the author of everything, giving her all of this strength and beauty and wisdom. While talking to her I got that word - again - that I just need to let go. I just need to let go of things. Stop being so hard on myself and stop dwelling on mistakes that I've made in the past and the present and just love God and be thankful for what I have, every day and every beat of my heart, that I'm here in Guatemala and having adventures and being alive.
Okay, this is probably the 4th or 5th time that God has said that to me in the past week, whether in a book or from someone's mouth or just in my own thoughts... just in the past week. I'm not a genius, but I'm not stupid and I think that in that moment I understood the weight of the message. This wasn't something that God was suggesting. This wasn't something that I should "think" about doing. Not letting go after someone tells you to let go multiple times over a short week... that's just straight up ridiculous disobedience.
Do you remember in Finding Nemo when Marlin and Dory are inside the whale's mouth? When the whale stops, the water starts draining from his mouth because he's about to blow all of the water out. The huge whale tongue tilts back and Dory says "Okay!" and immediately lets go of the whale-tounge, having faith that she's going to be fine. But Marlin reaches out and catches her, panicking, clinging to those taste buds. She says to Marlin, "He said 'It's time to let go!' Everything's going to be alright!"
Marlin: "How do you know?! How do you know something bad isn't going to happen!?"
Dory: "I don't!"
Then they take the leap (or fall) of faith, letting go of the giant tongue and are saved from death by being blown out of the whale - arriving in Sydney, which is exactly where they wanted to be in the first place. P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney.
This is my life right now. I'm at that moment of deciding whether I'm going to cling to what I know or just let go, taking a leap of faith into the unknown. No, I'm not inside of a whale hanging onto a taste bud and I'm not a fish, and God isn't a whale, and I DO know that something bad isn't going to happen if I trust God. I know that only good things can happen when I trust God... so why is it so hard to let go? I'm a person that likes to have things in my control, under my supervision. I think it's especially hard to let go of my problems, more than anything, because I want to fix them first and have myself all cleaned up, and for my "baggage" to be neatly folded and tied up with ribbons. But He said it's time to let go. I do know that, and nothing bad could happen. It's really me just laying down my pride. And if I do that, I might just end up in my "Sydney," the right exact place that I wanted to be all along.
So I just let it all go.

FRESHNESS

Today is Thursday - moving day. I'm moving to the Assembly House with Lucia and all of the other girls from our house are moving across the street to Family Faith House. I'm thankful to be moving because I will have a little more space and rest there, but hopefully still be able to be involved in what the girls are doing and the other kids' lives, too. I woke up today really feeling different... I feel released from all of that weight that I was carrying. I have a new beginning right now and I'm not going to give it up. I am going to take that for myself and really BEGIN ANEW. A fresh start. I have a renewed motivation to do good in these people's lives and to be selfless, and to not judge myself so harshly when I'm not perfect, when I can't control everything that happens. I'm just letting it go, giving it to the only One strong enough to take it all on.
While we're moving, I keep walking past kids carrying their things and seeing them fills me with joy. I have truly come to love each and every one of them and I can't pass them without telling them how much I love them or how beautiful they are. After a long and tiring day of moving things here back and forth between multiple houses, I get to settle into my own new house. This is the third time that I've moved into some new place at C.A. First Hospitality House, then Genesis House, now Assembly. Assembly is like a studio apartment, basically, with a curtain that divides the lounge area from the bedroom area/kitchen. It's adorable and I'm thankful to spend my last month here. I also really love interior designing, so having a house of my own is great because I got a chance to move some furniture around and do my thing. I did learn that we have all of one spoon and one fork, but I'm sure we can find more somewhere. It made Lucia and I laugh. I'm glad to be staying with her - she's fun, easy to talk to, but also is someone who likes time for herself to think and get things done.

NEW SHOES

That night after we're all moved in, I walk around the orphanage finding kids. I have to take down their sizes of clothing so that they can get new things, and I was trying to do it during school, but they don't really know their sizes off the top of their heads. I thought it would be easier to do it where we could actually look at all of their clothes. I went to Genesis House first, which is now the "Men of God" house. All of the teenage boys and a few young ones are living there with Luis and Nineth, which will be great. Lester, Byron, and Moyses found some baby rabbits the other day and carry them around with them. They named the three "conejitos" Lester, Byron, and Moyses. Creative. I get their sizes and then go to the Leyes House to get the sizes of two of the new kiddos, Henry and Susy. When I arrived there was an explosion of loving on me. It was absolutely renewing to my spirit to have all of those kids hugging me and telling me how much they love me. I went to get Henry's sizes of shoes and shirts and pants and was overwhelmed when every kid then brought me their own shoes and pants and shirts, telling me their sizes and asking if they could have new this-or-that. It was sweet but I also felt sad. I wanted to be able to promise them all new shoes and everything in the world that they'd ever wanted. But instead I just wrote down their sizes and said "We'll see!" they're so excited about maybe getting new clothes that I think I'm going to do something about it. I know that I can't promise them new clothes from the same lady that is going to buy some new clothes for the new kids here, and the older girls. I'm going to try to start something though, when I get back into the states, to raise money for these shoes and shirts and pants. In fact, I could start it right now. If you have read this far into the blog, first off, congratulations. I know they're always long updates. Second of all, if you would like to donate to help these kids buy new clothes or shoes, there are two ways to do it. One is that you can go online to my "Kellie Prophet Goes Guatemalan" Facebook page. If you hit that up, there is a link at the top next to the photos that says "DONATE." If you click on that you can donate to my PayPal account, because I plan on personally donating $100 and anything that is donated directly to the ministry before I leave, for new shoes and clothes. I know it's not a lot but I'm a poor college student :) Another way to donate, if you don't want the money to go through me but through the ministry instead, you can go to www.whatmattersmm.org and at the top of the page there is a big yellow button that says Donate. You can go through the process and when you get to the donating part you can actually choose what you want your money to go to. Which I like.
Josue's shoes are literally falling apart. They're too small and the sole is tearing away. His friends Nielson and Jose Miguel need shoes too. Yosenia only has one pair of non-tennis shoes, and they are actaully old tap dancing shoes. They still have the metal toe, even. There is so much done here for these kids and they are by no means poorly looked after. But if you'd like to personally help them, donating to them would be the best way. Of course, please don't feel obligated - I don't want to beg you for your money. This is only if you feel really led to donate to this cause!
There you are. Also I'll be starting this up on a bigger scale when I get back, and when I go to school, so if you can think of a great name for a money/clothing drive for these kids at Casa Angelina, I would appreciate your ideas and feedback!

So that is my update. I know it was long, again, because man, I just have so much to tell you and I don't want to forget a single thing. I hope that after my Point of Clarification post you know how thankful I am to be here and how highly I think of Casa Angelina and this ministry. I feel bad for not being more thankful earlier and for letting my struggles get in the way of my blessings. But it's been a really great lesson and I'm glad that I finally realized how to "let go" and just love God and work towards a faith-driven relationship with him, instead of a relationship with Him that is controlled and dictated by my own means and regulations. What kind of faith is that anyway? Controlled faith... sounds a lot like religion. I don't want religion. I want Jesus. So there it is. I'm letting go. A month to go at Casa Angelina... and I know that in a month I'm not going to want to leave.

Love,
Kellie