UPDATE #8

It's Thursday? I thought yesterday was Monday... what happened to days being 24 hours long? Next time someone decides to speed up the days, I would love for them to consult me. Unless that person is God, in which case He probably shouldn't consult me about anything because He already knows everything. So that's good.  

MAMA KIMBERLY

Kim Tait came to visit the orphanage, Casa Angelina. It's so funny that just a little over a week ago, Ivan was here and now his wife is. They have the craziest life, and it's amazing. All week the kids were getting so excited about Kim coming. All I heard was "Mami Kim va a venir en _____ dias!" Mami Kimberly is coming in _____ days! The countdown was filled with widespread excitement. It's a beautiful set-up here that all of these kids have brothers, sisters, Aunts, Uncles, parent-figures, and Kim and Ivan, whom they call Mom and Dad. I love that. All of these children were taken from families that weren't families and homes that weren't homes, from lives that were scary and insecure, filled with physical and emotional pain and hunger physically, emotionally, and spiritually, for something more than they were given. Then they were brought to Casa Angelina where they were freely given love, attention, a warm bed, clothes, food, and a fully-functioning, massive family. A mom and dad. Mami Kimberly, who gives the best hugs in the world.
Their excitement throughout the week wore off on me and I found myself eager to see Kim and just sit down and talk with her. She's one of those people who always has something to share with you that will make you feel valuable. I hope to be like that. Just make people feel loved.
When she finally did come, we all greeted her with hugs and laughter and Asustena and I joined the crowd with our arms around each other, sitting on the wall and waiting our turn to say hello. Asustena calls me "bos" which means something similar to "dude" and she always wants hugs (perfect for me). She makes me laugh. I'm glad that Asustena was saved and brought here. So that she could feel loved by the person(s) who gave her a second chance.

LEGOS

I didn't actually know that you could turn a set of regular old yellow, blue, red, and green Legos into a salon, but that's what happened today in the grass in front of the Edmond House. I was passing time with some creative little girls, Blondie, Karen, Sephora, Susy, and Aura... after building a city, they then took the colorful blocks and used them to comb my hair, put oil and shampoo and conditioner in, wash it, comb it again, color my blonde locks with various Lego colors, and curl all of it, not forgetting provide me with invisible sweets - dulces - from their Lego candy dispenser. It was the funniest thing for me to watch but also so sweet to see them be so focused on invisibly transforming me. Under the hot afternoon sun, I caught myself thinking about the way I used to pretend. I began trying to pinpoint exactly when it was that I stopped doing it. Why do we stop? When do we become to real-life and too grown-up to cut off our mind from exploring it's own expanses, to stop ourselves from experiencing the magical alternate realities of superheroes and princesses, cardboard houses and secret portals? Their eyes lit up, watching me change inside their own imaginations as they did my hair and makeup with plastic blocks... and in my mind I hadn't changed at all. If only I could pretend like they could and see myself blossom from ordinary Kellie into beautiful, something-magnificent Kellie. To please them, as I gazed into a Barbie plate that served as a mirror, I just pretended to be amazed at my new appearance. And then realized that I was pretending anyway, just in the wrong way. All about perspective, you see.
I was wearing a white skirt and a red polka dotted shirt with pearls, and I had felt pretty before I even left the house that day. But let me tell you, I've never felt so pretty as I felt after looking at myself in the way that those small little girls were, in their mirror, through their eyes of imaginative admiration. To them, I was more than ordinary. I was beautiful, something-magnificent Kellie.

STILL DON'T KNOW

Still don't know if I'm cut out to be a teacher. However. This week I finally got my act together and made a schedule for after school private music lessons. I figured that while I will do my best in the classroom, I don't want to short-sell the kids that actually do want to put their effort into learning music. So I made a sign up list and was very pleased to have more than 20 kids sign up! I'm teaching voice, piano, and guitar. Some kids want all three instruments, some only two of the three, and some just want one, and I'm more than fine with that! So I made a schedule to have 6 lessons a day. It took a while to get the schedule to work out, but it finally did. Thankfully, Ronald and Kerry are also both going to teach some guitar classes throughout the week and on the weekend, which is good since it is my weakest instrument of the three, but I still have a full schedule every single day. I tried to get everyone a space for a second lesson, but I didn't have enough for all of them. I had to just decide who I thought would actually put effort into two lessons a week. After all, I'm only here for a few more weeks. So now I'm teaching classes all morning and then teaching classes until 5:00 every night, or later, if someone has to reschedule. I miss seeing so much of the sun, but it's also been really rewarding to watch certain kids get excited about learning scales and patterns, or rhythms and chords.The boy that I talked about last week, Lester, it's really great to do piano with him. He's usually very outgoing and crazy around his buddies, but one-on-one he's very very shy. Still, I can tell he's excited about learning piano and practiced everything over and over and over again. He keeps asking when he can come over to practice more and although I have lessons all afternoon, I keep letting him sneak in 10 and 15-minute practice spaces. Those are the kids that make it worth it, and make me think that maybe I wouldn't be such a bad teacher. I do really like sharing something that I love so much. Music speaks in every language. So I still don't know.

LUCIERNAGAS

I've only seen lighting bugs one time in my life ever. I think I was about 7 or 8. We went to Oklahoma to see my Aunt and Uncle and I remember just a few things... that our parents replaced the back seat with a mattress and put a TV in the car (which was the coolest possible way to drive to Oklahoma), that there were dogs outside the house when we got out of the car (which is the reason, to this day, that my sister is afraid of dogs), and that we saw lightning bugs (a memory that only just resurfaced here, in Guatemala).
Luciernagas are what we call lighting bugs, which are also called fireflies. I like the name luciernagas, because it sounds more magical. I think if I had been the person to name this magical bug, I would have called it something like fairy bugs, because it's less like lighting and more like magical fairy land. To walk out into the darkness and see millions of lights flashing on and off like Christmas lights in the grass and trees.... that's magical. So magical, in fact, that I felt myself turning toward childish delight and screaming with joy as I watched them, hopping up and down and running, skipping and laughing as they flew above my head, periodically lighting themselves to guide me along the tops of hills and through grass. And as my heart flittered with pleasure at these little bugs, I came to think about God. Why would God make these luminescent creatures? I came up with two answers to this question.
1) Because all of His creation is made to worship and adore Him. So cool to think that lighting bugs worship God and that He made them to light up like that because He thought it was an awesome idea.
2) Because He knew that at this moment, this very moment in time, that I would see fireflies and be filled with joy and awe of His creation. What a loving God, so intricate, that He designed things and put them in my path, things so small as lighting bugs... so that I may recognize Him and realize how big and wonderful He is. So that we might see His creation and uncover a little bit more about His heart.
Wow.
Lucia and I ran around outside and caught probably ten of them, threw them into our house one by one and laughed. I felt like a child, running in my rain boots, giggling as we scampered behind the buildings, through grass and up and down stairs, avoiding the lights that came from inside warm houses. We returned home and turned out the light. We watched as the little bugs lit up our ceiling like miniature flying night lights. We giggled some more. What a way to spend a night here.
I love luciernagas.

ADVICE

Tomorrow is May 16th, a day that literally made my world take a nose dive in the year 2011. Last year on this day I was a very different kind of person. I was broken. It's hard for me to believe that it's almost been a year since I was that girl. The difference then was that I had just had my heart broken for the first time. It was for real, too. Not just a fling, "oh, how my heart is broken," kind of thing. It was REAL. I really loved that boy. And anyone who has been in that situation understands. However, it is so interesting for me to look back a year later and see how much I've grown, in what ways and when. I realized today that if we hadn't gone our separate ways I wouldn't be here today, in Guatemala, and my life wouldn't be changing before my eyes. What a blessing that it was to be so broken-hearted, so that I could learn how to grow and be better, and have experiences like this. God really loves me a lot.
Tonight I asked Kim how you forgive yourself, even when God and everyone else forgave you a long time ago. Everyone knows I'm my biggest judge. She gave me some advice that I feel will stick to me always. "If, God forbid, you died today, what would people remember about your testimony? Would they remember the things you did wrong or would they remember how beautiful you were, how full of life and love, how much you spread around the Truth and the Love of God? So why would you not remember those things about yourself too? Just something to think about."
Well, I don't know for sure, but I'm fairly positive that you sitting there at your computer reading this blog are not going to remember my mistakes. You are not going to remember who I was this time last year, but you might remember how I made you feel, how I wasn't perfect but used my imperfection to grow and how I tried to learn... how I loved people and sought God, wanted more, and was blessed with beautiful things. At least, I hope that's what you'd remember. And I hope that you know, that's probably what I would remember about you, too.

RAINY DAYS

I came to Guatemala in hopes of having two summers in a row. Their summer months are, I think, February to May. June is supposed to be the beginning of the rainy season. However, I was not expecting this. It is the middle of May and we are drenched in rain. It's been since Monday that the rain has fallen pretty consistently. At least for an hour a day. Yesterday and today the rain have been constant, though, and only ceasing for moments at a time. I like the sound of the rain on the roof because it's comforting, and the way it gets so loud that your own thoughts could drown in the downpour. However, without a cozy fireplace or carpeted floors, it can get fairly chilly. Beside the fact that I caught a trifling head cold and having my feet frozen inside my slippers, it is almost impossible to go outside because the rain is so crazy and the ground is so muddy. At least, I think so, but there have been at least a couple of soccer games in the wet street, the players being soaked through. Gotta love those crazy kids! Being here in the rain makes me realize how awful humidity is, and I am really appreciating the dryness of Colorado cold. Because humid-cold sticks to your skin and doesn't get off, no matter how you might plead. Humid cold is colder than regular cold. I will admit, though, that the rain here is very pretty, pouring down in the valley over the looming network of trees and falling on the winding roads below. It's a nice way to wake up in the morning, looking out over that. Guatemala never stops being beautiful to me. It's strange to think that I won't see this view for much longer.

WHERE, O WHERE...

It's weird to think that I only have 22 days left here at Casa Angelina. Which is three weeks and one day. Which means four more updates (including this one) and just 22 days to figure out how to split in two. The truth is that I am torn between two places I now love. My friends and goals here in Guatemala are going to be really hard to leave, but I am so anxious to be home with my family and friends. I feel like my heart is playing on the teeter-totter of a playground, my own will taking turns up and down, up and down, between my two desires. I was talking to my friend Julia earlier and we decided that the best comprimise is to bring all of my family and friends down here, and stay forever. Or I guess we could flip it. Bring all of Casa Angelina to Colorado Springs. And we'll all live happily ever after. Or at least I will... but then again, I have learned in this place that it isn't all about me. Wait, hmm? Oh, yes, it's not all about me. Right. So for now I will leave aside my desire to uproot everyone I know and bring them together for my own satisfaction, and I will go home to Colorado in three weeks and one day, see all of your faces. And I will be thankful for the fact that I live in the technology age, where I will be able to watch through pictures and posts as these kids grow up and become people who are going to change Guatemala, and then the rest of the world, after they're done with that.
Where did all the time go? Where did it go? Sometimes I feel like I've been here a long, long time, but sometimes it feels like I just made it here yesterday, just met John and Diana on the plane, just helped Monica into bed after changing her clothes, just had my first day of school, just finally held Maria for the first time. And now I will have to go, soon. But don't worry... I don't doubt that I will come back, and maybe bring a few of you with me next time. Three weeks. And one day.

Which means that I'll be seeing you, in all the old familiar places, very very soon. Love you each, and thinking of you often.

Love,
Kellie