UPDATE #5

Well, Update #5 is definitely late! I've been aiming to do posts on Wednesdays but it's Saturday today and I am just now getting around to this week's news. When you read it you will understand why...

PRAYER AND PETITION

For three days, I stay pretty locked up in the Hospitality House. Reading books, watching movies, working out, playing the guitar and worshipping, kneeling on the red shag rug and praying - praying for myself and for everything else in the world. Praying that my friend's death would be the start of something incredible in Colorado - an unforgettable upheaval of Christians who simply want to pursue the Lord and trust in Him, who want to have unrepressed joy because of the love and the hope of the Father and His Son. WE ARE the righteousness of God, WE ARE co-heirs with Jesus Christ, WE ARE loved and WE ARE going to make a difference in the kingdom. I'm praying that we would believe it. I'm praying that there would be a visible difference in each and every heart. being a child of God is not something ordinary. We can't continue to sit back and treat it like it's an ordinary gift or an ordinary daily activity. Being a child of God is literally the difference between heaven and hell, the difference between joy and des[air, the difference between health and sickness. We cannot just sit back and carry on in our own lives, knowing that all is good for us, when all around us there are people sinking in oceans of sin, not realizing that the Love of the God that they deny is the lifesaver. We have to sail our own ships away from the harbor and into the storm and start making a difference to the people who are drowning. God is extraordinary and with Him, we are capable of extraordinary things. To stay in that harbor and pretend like nothing is happening... I can't imagine a bigger waste of time. A bigger waste of God's love. Jesus said he didn't come for those who were healthy, but for the sick. We are saved, we are clean, but that should not be the end of our story. The power and love and mercy of God is released when we SHARE salvation. Once we are saved, salvation is not just for us, but for everyone who passes through merely our shadows. My testimony is not that I was so lost and it is not all of the horrible things that I did or experienced before receiving forgiveness and salvation. No, my testimony is the part where Jesus died for me so that I could proceed to do wonderous and incredible things in Him, so that I could further the kingdom and see other people be saved. This is the revival that I'm praying for. Ryan's mom, Gail, is writting a blog right now about her son. It's called "To Make It Worth The Pain" and it's called that because she wants her son's death to be worth something - to be worth the pain that is going to be present. If her son's death didn't change anything, didn't mean anything to anyone, then it was a waste. I believe that it is going to be worth the pain... I can feel something coming that is bigger than I can imagine. God makes all things work together for the good of those who love Him. It's the Truth.
**If you want to read her blog, visit www.tomakeitworththepain.blogspot.com It's worth your time.**


SOAKING IT IN

 On Thursday I enjoy the alone time while Monica is at school, and try to soak it in as much as possible. In just a few days I will be living with 12 other girls. So that's insane. Any alone time that I get right now is going to be some of the last, since space and solitude will likely be limited there. On Friday I go to school myself and teach little kids to clap and dance with them. They really love the dancing. Even though I don't feel like I'm doing much when I'm home, the hours are flying by. On Friday night I go to the workout session and afterward go and chat with Yuri and Nidia about moving on Sunday - I need a bed... I need a closet... I need to pack up all of my things... I need a therapist, probably. I am admitting that I am fairly terrified of this move; I've never shared a room with one other person, much less TWO people, in my entire life, and I have really been enjoying my alone time, which on Sunday will completely disappear. I'm still mourning the loss of a close friend, I am in a different country where no one knows my culture or my language, there are no Americans even HERE right now, nowhere to escape to... I think I'm actually going to go insane. But God is bigger, God is bigger. I have to keep remembering that. God can do this even though I can't, so I just need to let God help me. On Saturday, I finally FINALLY got the chance to Skype by other best friend, Courtney. It was such a relief to talk to her and it gave me so much more strength. We talked for almost two hours on Skype and laughed and caught up and all of the things that best friends do. Without her and Maggie, I don't know where my life would be at. Probably my life would be down some dark alley in the hands of shady people. (No, probably not, but I'm sure that I wouldn't be nearly as blessed without the two of them.) Anyway, after that conversation I felt a little bit more prepared for the huge change and happy that I finally got to see her face. I made pancakes on Saturday, and Monica and I watched most of the new Footloose, until she changed the channel to soccer at which point all of the people came to watch the Barcelona game and I retreated to my room to pray and worship. At night we walked to the Mondal's House for Jovenes (Youth Group) and after the sermon we played those fun dancing games on the Kinnect, which is like a Wii except you don't even have to have a remote. Technology... man. I got home and packed on Saturday night, feeling like I was maybe a little bit more ready for this move.

NOT

NOT READY!! NOT READY!!
I felt like Sunday was some rotten kid that I wouldn't have gotten along with on the playground. Like Sunday and I were playing Hide and Seek and I was still trying to find a place to hide, when Sunday came running after me saying "Ready or not, here I come!" And then I start crying because, "Hey, Sunday, that's really not fair! I didn't even get a chance to hide yet!" But unfortunately, in this world - where Sunday is a day of the week, not a bully, and I am an adult, not a small child - there is no magical teacher to run to and tattle about Sunday not playing nicely. And it was time to move. So people came in and out all day taking my packed-up things and dragging them to Genesis House while I emptied all of the trashcans, cleaned the bathroom, the counters, the kitchen, the dishes, and emptied the refridgerator, sweeping and mopping the floors along the way. I probably cleaned for a lot longer than I needed to, because I was trying to delay the inevitable. But that's the thing about the inevitable... it's still gonna happen no matter how long you delay it. 
Around 3:00 Monica and I agreed that it was time to go. So we went. Once I got to Genesis, there were 6 people in my room the entire time that I was unpacking. I knew that this would be hard. I've never shared space like this before, never had so many people around all the time. But I can handle this. Can't I? After a while everyone leaves and I am alone in my room. I'm trying to arrange my things and make space, which happens after re-arranging everything about 4 times and rolling up all of my t-shirts into long paper-towel sized rolls that I can stack on top of each other. I turn my big red suitcase onto it's side and make it into a bedside table so that I can stack up my journal and computer and nook and things really close to me. This definitely sounds juvenille, but I'm really glad that I brought my stuffed animals... Honey the Bear and Edmond the Monster (which Courtney made for me for Christmas) have turned out to be the small comforts that get me through the hard nights and rough days. I sit on my bed and hold them for a little while, while I pray to God. "God, give me what that I don't have... give me the strength, the patience, the will, to do this. I don't have that in me, but You do. I'm going to need you to help me out."

JESUS CALLING

I picked up this new book called Jesus Calling. At first, my grandpa Poppie left a Facebook comment saying that he was reading it. Then, my friend Shyanne said that Ryan (our friend who just died) had given her the book Jesus Calling a week before he died. Then my friend's mom, Mrs. Shonts, said that I should really look into this book called Jesus Calling. So if that's not "Jesus calling" then I don't know what is. So, I got the book and it has been incredibly spot on - almost every single day it is telling me something relevant about my life. There have been actually unreal and miraculous revelations given to me through this book - it's actually like God is talking straight to me. Sunday the 15th was the day that I moved, so I picked up my book shortly after my conversation with God. He responded through the words inside the book.


"APRIL 15
TRUST ME, and don't be afraid. Many things feel out of control. Your routines are not running smoothly. You tend to feel more secure when your life is predictable. Let me lead you to the rock that is higher than you and your circumstances. Take refuge in the shelter of my wings, where you are absolutely secure. When you are shaken out of your comfortable routines, grip my hand even more tightly and look for opportunities to grow. Instead of bemoaning the loss of your comfort, accept the challenge of something new. I lead you from glory to glory, making you fit for My kindgdom. Say yes to the ways that I want to work in your life. Trust me, and don't be afraid."


You can't make stuff like that up. My mouth pretty much fell open... God talks to me. God TALKS to us. Just, one more time, I need to say this. God, the Creator of heaven and earth, water and fire, heat and light, bugs and flowers and everything that is good; God, the King of everything who has won the ultimate battle against hell and bought us eternal life with the blood of his Son, Jesus; God, who knows everything that has happened and that will happen, who knows and forgives all of my sins... He talks to us. In very close and personal ways. Hard to comprehend sometimes, but what a beautiful thing we have with God. He is Almighty; so big, yet so intimate.

CULTURE SHOCK

On Monday, I woke up with a sore throat. I went to school and played with the kids and everything, which was fine. When I came home I felt strangely exhausted and took it easy for the rest of the evening until workout. Then, on Tuesday, I woke up with a very sore throat and some mega-congestion. I stayed in bed until my high school class which starts at 11:45, and tried to make it through the class without talking a ton. When everyone came home from school I was able to hang out a little bit more with the girls. By about 3:00 I started to feel better and decided to go hang out outside with Sonya, Lucia, and a few other girls. Sonya did my hair for a while. We found out that Nidia and Monica and Lucia were going into town, so I ran into my house and got some money to give to them so that they could bring me a few things, including chocolates and little paper bags that I was going to use. As soon as I came back outside I gave them the money and sat down at Sonya's feet, with my computer. It had taken 2 minutes for something to happen to my laptop... because when I went inside it was fine. But now it wouldn't turn on. Actually, at the time I didn't think much of it and just thought that maybe it was tired or got shut off or was out of battery. However, the next day, I found out that it was actually more broken than I realized. It freezes up every few minutes and I have to completely shut it down just to make it work every time. What a pain. That night I made a cake with Julia and Lucy, who are sisters and both adorable. I actually had a lot of fun and some more energy, which I attributed to the cup of coffee I made in the afternoon. I didn't make it to workouts, since I was so busy making a delicious cake... but I didn't mind. But then Wednesday came. I didn't go to school on Wednesday because I woke up very sick, very sore. I had had a fever in the early morning but only for a little while. Still, I didn't want to get any little kids, ninos, sick. So I stayed in bed and just took it easy all day, drinking tea and relaxing. I actually called my dad, and we talked for a while about some things... he told me that he had learned something from Corie's anthropology class; that sometimes if you have culture shock it manifests in a physical illness. That made a lot of sense to me, since I only started getting sick after I moved to Genesis. I think that my body is just tired from undergoing so much change in just one month... Tuesday, actually, marks one month of my being in Guatemala. So in the last month I've moved to another country where I was immediately the care-taker of a handicapped girl, changed my diet completely, been around tons and tons of little kids constantly, moved from a small apartment to a house full of 13 girls, and everything that has happened in between there. Lots of changes. Anyway, I didn't go to school again on Thursday because I couldn't speak very well because of my throat and massive headache. So I actually borrowed the keys to Bethany and Andrews house so that I could use a functioning computer to type up and translate some documents for Yuri. I did this and ended up hanging out there all morning, very much appreciating the time I had away from everyone. The power shut off at 3:30, which was great timing since I had to go to Genesis at 3:30 anyway for time with the girls.

FIRST AND AMISTAD

When I was in high school, I was in Student Council and Life 101, Eyes Wide Open, clubs and activities and all of these things that were about loving yourself and loving others and spreading love and awareness, etc. As a result I learned a lot of activities or small things that are ice-breakers or that force people to be nice to each other. I wanted to use these tactics in Casa Genesis, to start making bridges over the great divide in the house. There are these things called AARF notes that were used pretty frequently in these clubs. AARF stands for Achievement, Appreciation, Respect, and Freedom. I couldn't really explain it that way in Spanish, but the notes could still be valuable. So instead I bought the paper bags and decorated a bag for each girl. I call them "Bolsas de Bondad" which means "Bags of Goodness". I put a note inside each bag explaining how the bag worked and that they were to share at least one note every day with a different girl that said something about that girl like "I appreciate your friendship" or "Your strength is amazing", "I love your smile and think you're so pretty" etc. On Thursday I hid the bags around the house and once all the girls had arrived and gathered outside the door to the house, I told them to go find their bag. They all found their bags and a piece of chocolate. Then when they were all seated at the very large kitchen table, I told them to read their note. Some girls were excited, but some seemed seriously annoyed. You see, from 3:30 to 5, it is mandatory that everyone spends time together. I don't know if I made any more friends with my bags of goodness. We'll see how that turns out, I guess. After that, we played the game that is called Mafia in the U.S. Here we call it Hacecino, which means murderer. It's actually a really fun mystery game where there's a murderer, doctor, police, and everyone else is the jury, and the jury has to find out who is the murderer - meanwhile, people are slowly dying off and the doctor has to try to guess who to save next, the police have to try to find out who to investigate, etc. They seemed to really like it, so maybe that helped patch up any annoyance that was remaining at my Bolsa de Bondad efforts. The bags are now hanging up next to the kitchen table. We'll see if anyone even writes any notes. God, help me.

PARASITOS

If Americans drink the water here they get really sick. In fact, you can't even brush your teeth from the faucet. You have to be extremely careful in the shower. You can't soak in the water or be in the rain for too long. Moreover, you have to disinfect all fruits and vegetables before you eat them and can't let even rain water touch your food if you're outside or something. I have to wait until all of the dishes are completely dried off to use them. It's kind of a hassle, but I have done an amazing job not letting that water get into my system. But I guess it didn't actually matter too much.
On Thursday night, or I guess I should say Friday morning, I woke up at 1:30 AM feeling really, really awful. It was one of those things where I thought that if I threw up I would feel better, so after about half an hour I walked into the bathroom and tried to get something out of my system. What I didn't know was that I was going to be awake for the next 5 hours, trying desperately to STOP throwing up, longing to sleep. It wasn't even the vomitting that was really terrible - it was the pain. I have not ever experienced stomach pains like that. There was no comfortable position and everything hurt. It honestly hurt so bad that I thought at one point, "I might actually be dying. I think I might die tonight. What if something is malfunctioning inside of me? I could actually die." Which by then wasn't even scary, because it was just so painful. Every 15-20 mintues I ran back to the bathroom until finally around 4:00 I stopped walking back to bed and just slept sitting up on the shower step. I found out that it was easier to sleep sitting straight up like that, so around 5:00 I went back to my bed, wrapped myself in blankets, and slept sitting up on the edge of my bed. This made it easier to get to the bathroom more quickly. Magda, one of my new roommates, woke up frequently throughout the night to check on me, ask if I was still throwing up and check my temperature for a fever. But there was nothing that anyone could do anyway. I remember strange waking moments that were quickly overcome by sleep... like how at 6:30 I was sitting on the side of my bed, half-sleeping, and one of the girls walked in. I felt drugged, I was so tired. I saw her briefly before my eyes shut again. At some point, Nidia walked in with two of the little girls. I opened my eyes but they shut quickly, like a trap door... Everything was really a blur after about 5:00, but I did realize at some point that the sharp and screaming gunshot pain in my stomach had subsided to only a searing hot ache and I was actually able to lay down. I don't remember when it was that I rested my head on that pillow. At 9:45 in the morning I woke up and chatted with my mom for only a couple of minutes before sleep overtook me again. It was almost 12 before I woke up again. I think I heard a few people come in and out of the room during that time but I don't remember. Around 1:30 I went to the doctor and she poked around, hurting my stomach with her pushing, and then she diagnosed me... Parasites. Lovely. I have about 8 different medicines to take now. For basically the rest of the day I sat in bed and watched movies or slept, aside from about an hour of time when I met with Yuri to come up with a better school schedule. I just hope that I am actually able to go to school by Monday. For now, I am able to eat corn tortillas and soup with whole cloves of garlic... and bananas. So I can eat carbs and not work out and sit in bed. That's great.
Curse you, parasites.
REMIDER, KELLIE: THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

That's all I've got for this update... Everything this week has really been a blur of stress and sickness! Let's hope that next week's update will find me out of the house more often and having a bit more fun. I love and miss you all! Feeling so crummy has made me want to come home a little bit, but I know that I will see you soon anyway and as soon as all of this junk is over, I'll really start having fun! You know how I know? Because God wants me to be healthy and to have more than just learning experiences here - He wants me to have fun, too. So I will - I believe that and receive all of the blessings that He has in store for me, including the ones where I'm just having fun and enjoying myself here at Casa Angelina. AMEN.
Promise, I'll be better soon.

xoxo
Kellie

UPDATE #4

This post is just a little bit different than all of the others, on account of I found out that one of my best friends died last Saturday. It has, most definitely, tinted my mood a little bit darker color, and I although many of my words are sad I would love for you all to know that I am still okay. Just hurting a little bit right now. Thank you to those of you who have been praying - I can feel the prayer covering over me. Update #4:

JESUS HAS YOUR BACK - LITERALLY

Today I found out that my adopted younger brother, Hunter, broke his back while skiing. Apparently if the break was just one vertebrae lower, he would have been paralyzed, and if it was one higher he would have had cerebral damage. Praise the Lord God Almighty that he is alive and fully functioning - it is actually a miracle. It's like Jesus saved his life TWICE today, since it's also Good Friday.

Not a lot happening at the orphanage, though. Today I bought some books on my Nook and ended up reading a lot, taking a short nap, and then at the end of the day heading to the school to search for the music curriculum. No one was there, but I got Edgar to let me in with his millions of keys. After that I hung out with Gabby. We sat on the swings and talked about a lot of things. The house parents at Casa Edmond are named Luis and Ninette. Their son is visiting from the city and we have a small "jam session" outside under the stars. The Frazers are having dinner at the Mondal's house, but I was invited to dye Easter eggs with everyone tomorrow morning. I think I shall. Good Friday! 

THE PASSION

I don't know what they call this day. "The Day After Jesus Died and the Day Before He Was Resurrected Where Everyone Is Wondering What in the World Just Happened." That's what I want to call it, but something shorter, like "Waiting Day" is also sufficient. On Waiting Day I got a chance to sleep in, which is not unusual for this past week, and then work out. Entonces (then) I got ready to start the day. I walked to the Frazer's where everyone was decorating Easter eggs with all 5 Mondal kids and the 3 Frazer children and Kerry and Andrew and Bethany and me. There were tons of eggs and the kids had a blast. Somewhere toward the end, someone made a muddy-teal-colored egg and then abandoned it, so I claimed it for myself and made it simply lovely with hearts and dotted trails with X-marks-the-spots.  After the egg madness was over and cleaned up Bethany and I filled plastic eggs with candy to give out to the orphans on Easter, and to do an egg hunt with the Mondal-Frazer crew in the morning. Then Bethany and I did a voice lesson, and then Arianna wanted a voice lesson, and then Andrew wanted a voice lesson. Which was great fun for me. After that I went to my house for lunch and returned to the Frazer's to play Settlers of Catan, which is really a great game. We played two games and then it was time to watch the Passion of the Christ movie, which I had managed not to see until now. I'm afraid of how it would make me feel.

The whole time I kept asking the Lord one question: "Why?" As the movie progressed so did my pain and the question grew louder and louder in my own head as they whipped Jesus over and over and tore off His skin. He fell in the streets with the cross on His back, He cried out when the nails were slammed through His hands. By that point the questions had become an aching cry: "JESUS, WHY!? WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS FOR ME?!?" 

Quietly, and calmly He responded, "Because I love you." 

"I don't understand, Jesus, I'm not worth this kind of suffering!" And now tears are falling down my face. 

"I think you are. Kellie, there is something so wonderful and beautiful about the way that I made you, that I had to die so that I could love you for the rest of eternity, and so that You could love me, too. I want to be with you forever - and this was the only way that I could do that. I had to die so that we could be together always."

…

I think that most of the time I think that I have to love and seek God all the time 100% to receive forgiveness and salvation. The truth is that I SHOULD love and seek God because I have forgiveness and salvation. But regardless, I HAVE received love and forgiveness and redemption just because God loves and seeks ME. Have you ever talked to a girl about a guy that she likes? "I feel like he isn't pursuing me and I don't want to be the one to say something first, I want to feel like he wants me and I want to feel like he cares about me, etc." Ironic. The thing that is missing from a lot of our so-called-romantic relationships, the feeling of being loved always and unconditionally? God does that. God has done that for us from the beginning of time… He sought us first and He loved us first and He pursues us every single day, just waiting for us to return His affection. We are confused because we aim to seek love somewhere else first, even though any other love is impure. Any other love will not satisfy. Any other love will disappoint. But HIS love is stronger, HIS love is everlasting, HIS love is pure, HIS love is satisfying. And that is the answer to my question of "why"… just because He loves me a lot. 

Tomorrow is Easter, and He is risen. 

FEW AND FAR BETWEEN, 4/7/12 

(I heard the worst news of my life almost immediately after the movie the night before Easter)

Friends like that are unusual. Friends like that are few and far between. His love was extraordinary and strange because it was so pure and unconditional and true - just like God's love for us. His heart was for God and his heart was for sharing God with everyone he could touch, and his heart was also for climbing up things, maybe just so that he could get a little bit closer to God.

Sometimes it seemed like his cup was so full of that love and joy that it just kind of tipped a bit and sloshed out and spilled onto everyone around him. He was a beautiful mess. 

My body is numb. My limbs are disconnected and I feel like I'm floating, or maybe falling - falling just like he did from that ledge, dropping more than 100 feet, straight down. Maybe he was not even aware, maybe he wasn't awake when he hit the ground. I think God must have swept him up midair and taken him home without letting him feel the painful impact of his fall. 

But I felt it. 

Nick told me over Skype. "Kellie, have you heard?" 

"Nope, nothing noteworthy! Why? What's up, friend?"

"Can you chat?"

"Give me two minutes."

"Okay."

Then two minutes pass and he answers. His face tells me that something is not right and my heart starts pounding, a bitter taste creeping into my mouth.

"Kellie, uh, I don't know how to tell you this but… Ryan is with Papa now." Someone must have punched me in the stomach or pushed me… then I'm starting to lose my balance and I have a moment of falling through the air and I can't catch my breath. Then SMASH there it is, the painful impact and my guts are wrenched inside of me and I am paralyzed all of the sudden…… a minute of details…… an accident…… his pin broke…… rope didn't catch…… over 100 feet…… died…… I don't understand. I must have exchanged a few words with Nick, but I don't remember. I hang up and slide off the bed. Dead. Dead?

I'm on the floor and screaming. I'm panicked. I'm not breathing because that hurts. I'm writhing in pain and about to throw up and still screaming in pain, in fear. I have experienced this kind of pain one other time, but this far outweighs the other. This is worse by far. My Ryan. 

WALK TO BETHANY AT 11:15 PM.

TRY TO GET THE WORDS OUT BUT END UP DOUBLED OVER SCREAMING INSTEAD.

This pain is too wretched to be real, so I think that maybe it's not real. 

But it is real. I cry for almost two hours straight. I talk with Bethany a lot - thank God she was there - and for a few short segments of time I forget in most ways, but I know that in my deepest consciousness I am still screaming and trying to grab onto something to keep me upright. 

CALL MOM AND DAD

CRY 

DRINK TEA

CRY

PRAY

TALK

WALK HOME AT 1:30 AM

FLOAT INTO BED

CALL MAGGIE

We don't say anything. We just sit together in silence, separated from each other's arms by hundreds of miles, but still together in heart. Our silence is our comfort and our unspoken understanding. 

GOODNIGHT

I LOVE YOU 

I CRY.

SLEEP 3:30, or at least an attempt to sleep. I'm still awake though, inside. I am very awake. Tomorrow is Easter. 

WAKE UP - three hours have passed. The ache immediately reminds me that Ryan is dead. But JESUS is risen and that is where I find hope - because I know that Ryan is praising God up close and personal. He is looking Jesus in the face and worshipping and I can imagine him jumping around like crazy, singing to God, and probably climbing things. He is free, and full of joy, seeing colors that I have not seen and singing songs that I will not hear until that day.

EASTER EGG HUNT

I CRY

I PLAY Oh, how He loves us so, oh how He loves us, how He loves us so, that was Ryan's favorite song. 

CHURCH - Happy Easter, He is Risen. Ryan is celebrating Jesus in person today.

I SING Senor Te exalto, Eres mi Dios, Tu estas conmigo, no temere. 

I CRY and Aura holds my hand

I CRY and people are hugging me. 

I CRY MORE. I finally take a nap and feel a lot better after that. Stronger. I am with Bethany for the rest of the day. We watch the guardian owl movie with the kids. Then they go to play and we watch Count of Monte Christo just us and Andrew and do a puzzle. Did you know that puzzles of trees are the hardest? Who but God can tell one leaf from another leaf? 2,000 piece hunt for a leaf that looks exactly like the other thousand leaves. Bad choice of a puzzle.

I try to forget all day. 

My worldly being does not understand things like this. But my spirit is at peace, because my spirit knows that my dear, sweet friend Ryan is with God. Therefore, I must live and breathe and eat and sleep just exist within my spirit and hope that my other parts catch up. Everything is gray. 

RYAN THOMAS WAHL

Ryan was beautiful. I talked with him for one last time last Sunday. I met him at house church and I was initially drawn to him because of his eyebrow piercing and torn clothes and crazy smile and his voice when he sang. We went that night to the movie Super 8 and laughed the whole time because he was so funny. I found out that night that he was, as he called it, "kind of a big deal" and actually famous, and had accomplished pretty much everything including coming up with the idea for electricity and then sharing that information with Benjamin Franklin. We went to Village Inn and got free pie and he got a man-sized breakfast as a midnight snack. Our friendship after that was fast. He didn't wear shoes, he loved C.S. Lewis, he played Jack Johnson and worship songs, he liked Mumford and Sons and Dispatch, he wore bandanas on his head, and he either had dreadlocks or an afro. He had a huge smile and vampire-like canine teeth. When he smiled his honey eyes were full of joy, silliness, mischief, and love, all at one time, which I didn't know was possible. We liked the song Vagabonds. We loved the movie 50/50. We watched it late at night once while he helped me paint the kitchen of my first apartment yellow, reaching the spots that I couldn't have without his 6 feet and 1 inch. We had bonfires with Nick and Shyanne and sat under the stars, we played worship music until 2 and 3 and 4 in the morning. For a whole summer we woke up at 7AM to read the Bible and that night did it all again and we didn't regret it because being together was sweeter than anything in the world. Every day he texted in the morning "How can I pray for you today?" and sometimes I responded with a prayer request and a lot of times I responded with a "Thank you" because his early morning question had become my alarm clock. I don't know what I'll do without that message every morning to wake up to. Or someone to bring my lunch to work when I forgot it. Someone to eat soup with me while it's snowing outside, even though he's wearing the flowy cropped-off pants that he got from Thailand.

One time we jumped up and down around the house and screamed and laughed in disbelief because we watched his hand get healed right before our eyes. Many other times we ran around the house (or the car) and jumped up and down and screamed and laughed in disbelief because the worship was so good and so real that we were sure that there was NO WAY Jesus didn't hear us and we loved Jesus so much. 

I could talk about Ryan forever, but I don't want to drag this out. He was one of my best and closest friends and my life has been changed by his life, and changed in another way by his death. It's hard to imagine that someone so full of life is just gone, but his death has reminded me how precious life is, and how much we need to live it. It is but a breath, and after a very long and deep breath here I know that I will see him again. I want to live like him. I want to laugh like him. I want to love like him. 

Thank you everyone for your prayers and support; from hundreds of miles away, they have been felt. My peace is surpassing my understanding and though I do have my moments of weakness, I have faith that God is good, faithful, personal, and purposeful, and that He loves me. 

Romans 8:28 

SCHOOL

In the movie Megamind, he calls school "shool" which I think is very funny. I started shool - teaching, that is - and it has been very fun. I am realizing that I like playing with little baby kiddos but not teaching them - their ADHD is too much for me. I like the older kids. They can learn cooler things and I don't have to remind them to be quiet every 2 minutes. But I like music so that's fun. After school on Monday I went to the Frazer's house to talk with them about the first day I had at the school and found out that their flights got sporadically changed. So I spent the rest of the day helping them pack, clean, tidy, and get ready to go. Around 5 they left Casa Angelina and I decided to go with them so that I would have the car ride to talk to Bethany about all of the things on my mind. We talked for the entire two hours. I felt kind of strange dropping them off… now what? I think the next 17 days might be a little lonely but maybe that's God's plan. Because if I have nowhere to turn I am just going to have to turn to Him, which is a very good thing anyway. I make it sound like a chore but it's really a privilege. Just one that I forget that I have sometimes. 

SIESTA

On Tuesday I stayed in my room. I'm sad and tired. On Wednesday I went to school and then I took a 4 hour nap, and then 3 hours later I went back to bed. Just purely exhausted, probably from being on an emotional roller coaster. I miss my family, and I miss my friends. Especially right now. Sometimes I just want to go home, but I know that I'm supposed to be here. God is going to do something amazing for me, in me, while I am here and I don't want to sell myself short of that opportunity. But for right now I feel very stuck in my bed like I just need to put myself on pause for a moment so that I can "buffer" just like a YouTube video. Sometimes to get it to play smoothly you just have to stop it and wait for it to load up again. That's me. And maybe once I'm done loading here and I am ready to go outside, then there will stop being cloudy days at Casa Angelina. I would love a warm visit from the sun about now. 

I know that this post is long, not very fun, and not so much about Guatemala, but it is definitely very much about me right now and I needed to say it. Please be praying for peace, rest, energy and strength, as these days are the hardest. Very much love from me, here. God is good.

Love,

Kellie

UPDATE #3 (finally)

So, remember that time when I said "I'm going to post more frequently so my posts aren't as long and painful" last Wednesday? Well. Here I am. More than a week later. Posting one LONG and PAINFUL blog. I hope you can still enjoy this, however long it may be! WE begin...

LA BIBLIA

My Bible has notes in it, highlighter covering it's pages, pink Post-Its marking my favorite passages, writing within it's lines, circled phrases and words, and letters stuck in between the pages written by me, to me, my future husband, children... I lost my Bible a day after I got here. I can't stand it. I feel like I lost a puppy or something. Something that I really love, and it's making me sick. I have been everywhere with that Bible and that Bible has gone through everything with me. A few days ago I was sitting on the floor of my room, praying for my Bible, and I realized something terrifying: I was probably more upset about losing my Bible than I was when I lost sight of God. So that isn't really right, then, is it? I asked Him, "Okay, God, I believe you can help me find my Bible, but I had this revelation and maybe you're telling me I shouldn't find that Bible."
"Kellie, I want you to realize that you can know Me without your Bible. Always." 
"Oh, okay, well... what do I do?"
"Follow me and I will lead you." That's God's answer for pretty much every question that I ask Him (that I already know the answer to). He's said that to me since I experienced a vision from him in the 9th Grade. So I followed Him to my knees and it was good. It was close. Purposeful. Today we were talking again and I asked Him, "So if you want me to get to know You, then what's something you want me to know about you?"
"I Am true. Everything that I do and say is true."
"What does that mean, really?"
"Since I never lie, everything I have said to you in My Word is true. Every promise I give you, I will keep - every time I tell you of My love, I mean it. Everything I say about you is truthful; you are beautiful, wonderful, talented, exciting, and perfect because I made it so. With the blood of My Son you are righteous and blameless like a newborn child. I know this because I am true."
"Thank you, God... You're really great." So maybe that's why I didn't need my Bible at that moment. Because hearing those words for myself rather than reading them off a page meant more to me, by far, than any words I've ever heard.

WEDNESDAY HAPPENED 

 Nothing to report. Really. Nothing. I watched some shows and read a bit today. Took a nap. I guess it was nice to have a restful day.

DESSERT

 The food here is truly amazing. Incredible. Really, it's the most delicious. After a leisurely morning of toast for breakfast, watching Downton Abbey, reading, and working out, I walked down to have lunch with the team and was greeted by a delicious bowl of the best Penne Pasta I've ever had. And garlic pita bread, of course. After the entree, we welcomed another guest named Guava Cheesecake with a three-sauce design and raspberry sorbet on the side. Which, of course, gave me enough energy to play all day with small children and give a voice lesson to Bethany. I've always known that life is too short, but today I REALLY had revelation in my heart: life is far too short not to eat ridiculously delicious food - and have seconds.

FOGATA

While the team was here painting and working at the orphanage there was another team that traveled around to a few cities in Guatemala all this week doing medical clinics. Their last stop was Chimaltenango, out of Casa Angelina. The line of people who came here from the city was so long that we couldn't see the end of it past the curve in the road. The clinic started at 12:00, but since the team had arrived at 10:00 we had a service with everyone. After worship, the service consisted of a few of the teenage orphans giving their testimonies. It's strange that I have been spending so much time with girls like Sonya and Lucia and Gabby, and never really think about where they've come from. At the service I learned that they were raped or beaten, tossed out by their parents, didn't have parents because their mom died of AIDs of their dad drank himself to death. These girls are some of the sweetest, most selfless people I know and this is where they came from: complete brokenness, being told that they are worthy of absolutely nothing. It's astonishing to see their capacity to give love after such tragic events, and I realize in that moment what a judgmental and selfish person I can be. Something that needs to change. After the service Sonya and I spent the day giving out clothes, toys, and toiletries at the door of the clinic, giving anyone who was leaving whatever they looked like they needed the most. Around 4:00 there was a "fogata," a bonfire. There was only one person who could come from the medical team since they were so busy. His name was Mike. He was a really nice guy, and it was refreshing to have a real-life conversation with an American other than the Frazer family. At the bonfire, we made S'mores, which they call Angelitos (little angels, and rightfully named so). Since today is the start of the kids' break, Semana Santo - Holy Week, we had a lot of kids over in the evening to Hospitality House to watch a movie. Sometimes it's impossible to imagine these children on the streets or starving, with bruises and stains, when all I can see every day are their bright smiles and personalities. A little perspective never hurt anyone.

SATURDAY HAPPENED

Since there was no team, and not much to do for Señorita Monica, I had a day of rest. Reading, sleeping, catching up after a long and exhausting week! This wonderful show that I've been watching is called Downton Abbey, and I love it. It's the best. I finished Seasons 1 & 2 in about a week, and probably could have cut that time in half had the team not been here. I love it. Watch it, if you want something really, really good to take up all of your free time. Since it was Saturday, there was Youth Group (Jovenes) and I realized something there that I liked: I can understand complete sermons in another language. I can understand the entire thing. I love that. After Jovenes, some kids came over to watch Mission Impossible 4, which had just as many explosions and fights as the first three.

CANTANTES

There is a church down the road that does all of the worship and sermons over loudspeaker. Which is great. I actually really love it. Picture this: a small room painted a peachy orange with cracks in the walls and yellow patches where the paint has faded. The big windows are open, wind lightly blowing the curtains toward the center of the room. The heated and golden-orange light is pouring in like rain, lighting everything that it touches with a golden halo, making it seem like a dream or a warm memory. The birds sing and talk back and forth to each other while a wind chime tickles it's tinkering talk into the airwaves. From very far away there is an echo, two voices coincide in not-so-perfect harmony that is not always simultaneous, singing a song whose words cannot be deciphered from a place so far down the road. The sound is beautiful and the air surrounding is full of something sweet like laughter or the way it feels to climb a tree in the summer or run down the street to meet the ice cream truck. Everything is serene. There is nothing more beautiful for me than the perfection, the purity of a moment like that. I soak it in through every pore in my body. I think I'm in love with Guatemala.

THE HARSH REALITY

After being held down by five or six five-or-six-year-olds, and then attacked by the garden hose which completely soaked me, I went inside and changed. Then I ran quickly across  the street not to be stopped by little children plotting to re-wet my new clothes. I went to the Frazers to play Settlers of Catan with Bethany and Co., and found instead that she was on the phone talking with someone. The phone call ended after a while and I found out what was going on...
A 13-year-old girl was raped by her step-father. Consequently, she became pregnant and had a child. The two of them are coming to live here for the rest of their childhood. Mother and child. Both children. It's scary, and tragic that something like that would happen to a sweet girl who is barely a teenager. The harsh reality is that she is one of the lucky ones; she didn't die, and she's getting away from that man. Many children don't have that kind of luck here. She's now also a part of the even smaller group of lucky children that get to come live at Casa Angelina. There are around 70 kids at the orphanage, and there are so many who have come from that life and come from other orphanages where they would have rather died than live through another day of the torture and abuse they received. As I write this I feel a combination of sickness and terrible helplessness and honestly, with tears in my eyes, I am thanking GOD for delivering the children that are here from where they were. God is using this place to change lives, to soften hearts, to build trust and love and blessings for these children. I am sure that each and every one of their lives are going to be blessed, going to be influential and change the world, I mean REALLY change the world, because they have been here at Casa Angelina where love changes everything.

WATER WEEK

Since my being hosed down, I have also received buckets of water dumped on me, more hose business, water balloons, and the like. I figured since I couldn't stop it from happening I might just join everyone in the water festivities. I got in the pool today, and tried not to swallow any water or freeze. It ended up being really fun, but I did get a wicked sunburn. (Oops.) At 3:30 there was a women's book club meeting, which was very fun. I sat by one of the tutors, Magda, who is hilarious. Everything was grand until it was my turn to share what I like about the book in front of the whole group.. in Spanish. Now, having a conversation with one or two people is VERY different than doing a presentation to a group of Spanish-speaking Guatemalans. Somehow, through my nerves and pounding heart, I was able to make some sort of sense of what I liked about the book. The strawberry tea afterwards was a great reward. Later on in the day, Sonya and Lucia came over to watch Hugo and Lucia braided my hair the way I had it over the summer, which I love. Lucia is a girl, laughing and braiding my hair, having one of the brightest lights I've ever seen in her soul, who has come from some really dark places in her past. A lot of hard things happened to her. Our world is dark and tried really hard to put out that light... but God is stronger. God is bigger. God is better. God can light up even the darkest of places.

COLEGIO & GENESIS

Next week I start teaching at the school! I'll do some piano classes and two choirs. After school I'll give private lessons to some girls in particular. I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to do this, of course, but I'm sure it will come together somehow. If I have my translator at my side always.  Yes. Here we go. I had a meeting with Bethany about Phase 2 of my internship. The teaching at the school and also moving into Genesis House where the teenage girls live. At first I wasn't so excited to be doing this... I've really been enjoying having my own space and everything. But after the meeting I'm more excited than ever to move in and get to work with these girls. Apparently they're struggling with the same thing that any group of teenage girls struggles with - division in the house! The "She Doesn't Like Me, and I Don't Like Her" Complex. I CAN'T WAIT TO GET MY HANDS INTO THAT MESS! They will all be friends, so help me God! I have a ton of ideas to make this happen, one of which is to host a retreat for all of the teenage girls and force them to be vulnerable, trust each other, open up, have fun with unlikely friends, etc. Millions of ideas resurfacing from my Student Council and Life 101 "respect acceptance empowerment teamwork" days. Love it. I worked on music for a few hours after my meeting and then went to another meeting for the teenage helpers here. After that I played with a 3-year-old named Karen for about an hour. She didn't get tired... I thought that I was going to pass out. Where does the energy come from?!? After that I played my guitar with Louis, Ronald, and a group of girls outside under the stars... and also got eaten alive by mosquitoes. I have 7 mosquito bites on my right arm and 5 on my left. How is that possible? I don't know. I guess I just have delicious blood.

That's all for now! Thank you so much, everyone, for your prayers and thoughts and support. You don't know how much it means to me! I miss you and I love you all.


Love, Kellie