UPDATE #4

This post is just a little bit different than all of the others, on account of I found out that one of my best friends died last Saturday. It has, most definitely, tinted my mood a little bit darker color, and I although many of my words are sad I would love for you all to know that I am still okay. Just hurting a little bit right now. Thank you to those of you who have been praying - I can feel the prayer covering over me. Update #4:

JESUS HAS YOUR BACK - LITERALLY

Today I found out that my adopted younger brother, Hunter, broke his back while skiing. Apparently if the break was just one vertebrae lower, he would have been paralyzed, and if it was one higher he would have had cerebral damage. Praise the Lord God Almighty that he is alive and fully functioning - it is actually a miracle. It's like Jesus saved his life TWICE today, since it's also Good Friday.

Not a lot happening at the orphanage, though. Today I bought some books on my Nook and ended up reading a lot, taking a short nap, and then at the end of the day heading to the school to search for the music curriculum. No one was there, but I got Edgar to let me in with his millions of keys. After that I hung out with Gabby. We sat on the swings and talked about a lot of things. The house parents at Casa Edmond are named Luis and Ninette. Their son is visiting from the city and we have a small "jam session" outside under the stars. The Frazers are having dinner at the Mondal's house, but I was invited to dye Easter eggs with everyone tomorrow morning. I think I shall. Good Friday! 

THE PASSION

I don't know what they call this day. "The Day After Jesus Died and the Day Before He Was Resurrected Where Everyone Is Wondering What in the World Just Happened." That's what I want to call it, but something shorter, like "Waiting Day" is also sufficient. On Waiting Day I got a chance to sleep in, which is not unusual for this past week, and then work out. Entonces (then) I got ready to start the day. I walked to the Frazer's where everyone was decorating Easter eggs with all 5 Mondal kids and the 3 Frazer children and Kerry and Andrew and Bethany and me. There were tons of eggs and the kids had a blast. Somewhere toward the end, someone made a muddy-teal-colored egg and then abandoned it, so I claimed it for myself and made it simply lovely with hearts and dotted trails with X-marks-the-spots.  After the egg madness was over and cleaned up Bethany and I filled plastic eggs with candy to give out to the orphans on Easter, and to do an egg hunt with the Mondal-Frazer crew in the morning. Then Bethany and I did a voice lesson, and then Arianna wanted a voice lesson, and then Andrew wanted a voice lesson. Which was great fun for me. After that I went to my house for lunch and returned to the Frazer's to play Settlers of Catan, which is really a great game. We played two games and then it was time to watch the Passion of the Christ movie, which I had managed not to see until now. I'm afraid of how it would make me feel.

The whole time I kept asking the Lord one question: "Why?" As the movie progressed so did my pain and the question grew louder and louder in my own head as they whipped Jesus over and over and tore off His skin. He fell in the streets with the cross on His back, He cried out when the nails were slammed through His hands. By that point the questions had become an aching cry: "JESUS, WHY!? WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS FOR ME?!?" 

Quietly, and calmly He responded, "Because I love you." 

"I don't understand, Jesus, I'm not worth this kind of suffering!" And now tears are falling down my face. 

"I think you are. Kellie, there is something so wonderful and beautiful about the way that I made you, that I had to die so that I could love you for the rest of eternity, and so that You could love me, too. I want to be with you forever - and this was the only way that I could do that. I had to die so that we could be together always."

…

I think that most of the time I think that I have to love and seek God all the time 100% to receive forgiveness and salvation. The truth is that I SHOULD love and seek God because I have forgiveness and salvation. But regardless, I HAVE received love and forgiveness and redemption just because God loves and seeks ME. Have you ever talked to a girl about a guy that she likes? "I feel like he isn't pursuing me and I don't want to be the one to say something first, I want to feel like he wants me and I want to feel like he cares about me, etc." Ironic. The thing that is missing from a lot of our so-called-romantic relationships, the feeling of being loved always and unconditionally? God does that. God has done that for us from the beginning of time… He sought us first and He loved us first and He pursues us every single day, just waiting for us to return His affection. We are confused because we aim to seek love somewhere else first, even though any other love is impure. Any other love will not satisfy. Any other love will disappoint. But HIS love is stronger, HIS love is everlasting, HIS love is pure, HIS love is satisfying. And that is the answer to my question of "why"… just because He loves me a lot. 

Tomorrow is Easter, and He is risen. 

FEW AND FAR BETWEEN, 4/7/12 

(I heard the worst news of my life almost immediately after the movie the night before Easter)

Friends like that are unusual. Friends like that are few and far between. His love was extraordinary and strange because it was so pure and unconditional and true - just like God's love for us. His heart was for God and his heart was for sharing God with everyone he could touch, and his heart was also for climbing up things, maybe just so that he could get a little bit closer to God.

Sometimes it seemed like his cup was so full of that love and joy that it just kind of tipped a bit and sloshed out and spilled onto everyone around him. He was a beautiful mess. 

My body is numb. My limbs are disconnected and I feel like I'm floating, or maybe falling - falling just like he did from that ledge, dropping more than 100 feet, straight down. Maybe he was not even aware, maybe he wasn't awake when he hit the ground. I think God must have swept him up midair and taken him home without letting him feel the painful impact of his fall. 

But I felt it. 

Nick told me over Skype. "Kellie, have you heard?" 

"Nope, nothing noteworthy! Why? What's up, friend?"

"Can you chat?"

"Give me two minutes."

"Okay."

Then two minutes pass and he answers. His face tells me that something is not right and my heart starts pounding, a bitter taste creeping into my mouth.

"Kellie, uh, I don't know how to tell you this but… Ryan is with Papa now." Someone must have punched me in the stomach or pushed me… then I'm starting to lose my balance and I have a moment of falling through the air and I can't catch my breath. Then SMASH there it is, the painful impact and my guts are wrenched inside of me and I am paralyzed all of the sudden…… a minute of details…… an accident…… his pin broke…… rope didn't catch…… over 100 feet…… died…… I don't understand. I must have exchanged a few words with Nick, but I don't remember. I hang up and slide off the bed. Dead. Dead?

I'm on the floor and screaming. I'm panicked. I'm not breathing because that hurts. I'm writhing in pain and about to throw up and still screaming in pain, in fear. I have experienced this kind of pain one other time, but this far outweighs the other. This is worse by far. My Ryan. 

WALK TO BETHANY AT 11:15 PM.

TRY TO GET THE WORDS OUT BUT END UP DOUBLED OVER SCREAMING INSTEAD.

This pain is too wretched to be real, so I think that maybe it's not real. 

But it is real. I cry for almost two hours straight. I talk with Bethany a lot - thank God she was there - and for a few short segments of time I forget in most ways, but I know that in my deepest consciousness I am still screaming and trying to grab onto something to keep me upright. 

CALL MOM AND DAD

CRY 

DRINK TEA

CRY

PRAY

TALK

WALK HOME AT 1:30 AM

FLOAT INTO BED

CALL MAGGIE

We don't say anything. We just sit together in silence, separated from each other's arms by hundreds of miles, but still together in heart. Our silence is our comfort and our unspoken understanding. 

GOODNIGHT

I LOVE YOU 

I CRY.

SLEEP 3:30, or at least an attempt to sleep. I'm still awake though, inside. I am very awake. Tomorrow is Easter. 

WAKE UP - three hours have passed. The ache immediately reminds me that Ryan is dead. But JESUS is risen and that is where I find hope - because I know that Ryan is praising God up close and personal. He is looking Jesus in the face and worshipping and I can imagine him jumping around like crazy, singing to God, and probably climbing things. He is free, and full of joy, seeing colors that I have not seen and singing songs that I will not hear until that day.

EASTER EGG HUNT

I CRY

I PLAY Oh, how He loves us so, oh how He loves us, how He loves us so, that was Ryan's favorite song. 

CHURCH - Happy Easter, He is Risen. Ryan is celebrating Jesus in person today.

I SING Senor Te exalto, Eres mi Dios, Tu estas conmigo, no temere. 

I CRY and Aura holds my hand

I CRY and people are hugging me. 

I CRY MORE. I finally take a nap and feel a lot better after that. Stronger. I am with Bethany for the rest of the day. We watch the guardian owl movie with the kids. Then they go to play and we watch Count of Monte Christo just us and Andrew and do a puzzle. Did you know that puzzles of trees are the hardest? Who but God can tell one leaf from another leaf? 2,000 piece hunt for a leaf that looks exactly like the other thousand leaves. Bad choice of a puzzle.

I try to forget all day. 

My worldly being does not understand things like this. But my spirit is at peace, because my spirit knows that my dear, sweet friend Ryan is with God. Therefore, I must live and breathe and eat and sleep just exist within my spirit and hope that my other parts catch up. Everything is gray. 

RYAN THOMAS WAHL

Ryan was beautiful. I talked with him for one last time last Sunday. I met him at house church and I was initially drawn to him because of his eyebrow piercing and torn clothes and crazy smile and his voice when he sang. We went that night to the movie Super 8 and laughed the whole time because he was so funny. I found out that night that he was, as he called it, "kind of a big deal" and actually famous, and had accomplished pretty much everything including coming up with the idea for electricity and then sharing that information with Benjamin Franklin. We went to Village Inn and got free pie and he got a man-sized breakfast as a midnight snack. Our friendship after that was fast. He didn't wear shoes, he loved C.S. Lewis, he played Jack Johnson and worship songs, he liked Mumford and Sons and Dispatch, he wore bandanas on his head, and he either had dreadlocks or an afro. He had a huge smile and vampire-like canine teeth. When he smiled his honey eyes were full of joy, silliness, mischief, and love, all at one time, which I didn't know was possible. We liked the song Vagabonds. We loved the movie 50/50. We watched it late at night once while he helped me paint the kitchen of my first apartment yellow, reaching the spots that I couldn't have without his 6 feet and 1 inch. We had bonfires with Nick and Shyanne and sat under the stars, we played worship music until 2 and 3 and 4 in the morning. For a whole summer we woke up at 7AM to read the Bible and that night did it all again and we didn't regret it because being together was sweeter than anything in the world. Every day he texted in the morning "How can I pray for you today?" and sometimes I responded with a prayer request and a lot of times I responded with a "Thank you" because his early morning question had become my alarm clock. I don't know what I'll do without that message every morning to wake up to. Or someone to bring my lunch to work when I forgot it. Someone to eat soup with me while it's snowing outside, even though he's wearing the flowy cropped-off pants that he got from Thailand.

One time we jumped up and down around the house and screamed and laughed in disbelief because we watched his hand get healed right before our eyes. Many other times we ran around the house (or the car) and jumped up and down and screamed and laughed in disbelief because the worship was so good and so real that we were sure that there was NO WAY Jesus didn't hear us and we loved Jesus so much. 

I could talk about Ryan forever, but I don't want to drag this out. He was one of my best and closest friends and my life has been changed by his life, and changed in another way by his death. It's hard to imagine that someone so full of life is just gone, but his death has reminded me how precious life is, and how much we need to live it. It is but a breath, and after a very long and deep breath here I know that I will see him again. I want to live like him. I want to laugh like him. I want to love like him. 

Thank you everyone for your prayers and support; from hundreds of miles away, they have been felt. My peace is surpassing my understanding and though I do have my moments of weakness, I have faith that God is good, faithful, personal, and purposeful, and that He loves me. 

Romans 8:28 

SCHOOL

In the movie Megamind, he calls school "shool" which I think is very funny. I started shool - teaching, that is - and it has been very fun. I am realizing that I like playing with little baby kiddos but not teaching them - their ADHD is too much for me. I like the older kids. They can learn cooler things and I don't have to remind them to be quiet every 2 minutes. But I like music so that's fun. After school on Monday I went to the Frazer's house to talk with them about the first day I had at the school and found out that their flights got sporadically changed. So I spent the rest of the day helping them pack, clean, tidy, and get ready to go. Around 5 they left Casa Angelina and I decided to go with them so that I would have the car ride to talk to Bethany about all of the things on my mind. We talked for the entire two hours. I felt kind of strange dropping them off… now what? I think the next 17 days might be a little lonely but maybe that's God's plan. Because if I have nowhere to turn I am just going to have to turn to Him, which is a very good thing anyway. I make it sound like a chore but it's really a privilege. Just one that I forget that I have sometimes. 

SIESTA

On Tuesday I stayed in my room. I'm sad and tired. On Wednesday I went to school and then I took a 4 hour nap, and then 3 hours later I went back to bed. Just purely exhausted, probably from being on an emotional roller coaster. I miss my family, and I miss my friends. Especially right now. Sometimes I just want to go home, but I know that I'm supposed to be here. God is going to do something amazing for me, in me, while I am here and I don't want to sell myself short of that opportunity. But for right now I feel very stuck in my bed like I just need to put myself on pause for a moment so that I can "buffer" just like a YouTube video. Sometimes to get it to play smoothly you just have to stop it and wait for it to load up again. That's me. And maybe once I'm done loading here and I am ready to go outside, then there will stop being cloudy days at Casa Angelina. I would love a warm visit from the sun about now. 

I know that this post is long, not very fun, and not so much about Guatemala, but it is definitely very much about me right now and I needed to say it. Please be praying for peace, rest, energy and strength, as these days are the hardest. Very much love from me, here. God is good.

Love,

Kellie