"It's sunset-y... like a sunset."
The sunset here is always incredible. Pink and orange clouds highlighting the blood-orange sun, it's golden rays piercing through the air, through the branches of trees, through the curtains hanging in the windows of my bedroom. I took almost the entire day on Saturday recovering from the hard night of parasites. I slept, woke up, slept again, and woke up again, walked around outside, slept, went to the doctor, slept, and slept. Then I woke up and didn't eat anything, and slept some more. I am most definitely dehydrated, since any water in my system was evacuated and I haven't done much to replinish what was lost. I'm too busy sleeping. The day passes and is coming to an end - I can tell because the orangey light that's trying to make it's way onto my covers. I pull the curtain over and let the bent squares of light fall onto my bed and the floor. I always find so much peace in the sunlight - it's heat and beauty are a remedy to the soul. It's insane to think that while I look up at the sun in Guatemala it's exactly the same sun that you're looking at in Colorado, or wherever you are. It's the same sun for everyone, every day. And then when my sun is setting, so is yours. But it feels so different, so far away, and makes me miss things. Saturday is Jovenes (youth group) but I didn't go. I just slept. I think I might accidentally sleep forever.
BABIES
The next day, Tuesday, I went to pre-school class and then was called back to Genesis House to watch the little babies in the nursery while the other tutors went to a meeting.Their love and baby-kisses and excitement over playing with my hair for 35 minutes straight put tiny bits of love back into my own soul. I literally felt the frustration and weariness leave my body little by little with every loving touch from their tiny fingers. The love of two and three year old baby girls is really astonishing - it's unlike everything else and makes you want to just hug them and kiss their soft cheeks and say "thank you for loving me for no reason." It just fills me with this other kind of love that I don't really understand completely. And it also makes me want to say to them "please don't ever grow up, because I don't want the world to take away your sweet little love." I love their sparkly eyes. I love their baby giggles. I just love them.It's hard to then turn around and realize that 95% of these children have been abused, physically and sexually, by their previous family and people in their lives. I look at their pink and purple shoes and their excitement when they are coloring or playing. Sephora likes to scream when she's excited, which is all the time. She just is so happy that she screams. Constantly. It hardly makes sense and really blows my mind, but GOD is GOOD... He delivered those kids and they are here for a reason. This place gives them a childhood, love, good food, laughter, attention... opportunity. There's not a word to describe it except for beautiful.
BELLEZA
A belleza is what you call a beauty salon - which is what I got today. Ivan Tait, who started this orphanage, came here yesterday, so there were a lot of meetings with the adults and tutors in the days following. The little nenas, again, took out my earrings to put them back in, played with my hair, and pretended to put on my makeup and nail polish with their tiny fingertips. I played with them for hours. After the meeting, the adults came back I got a chance to take a nap. A lovely, lovely nap. I dreamed that I was at Casa Angelina and taking a nap (ironic), and when I woke up from my nap (in my dream) I was in big trouble for sleeping while everyone else was cleaning. So much that I was going to be taken to a jail in the city. I got chased up this hill and everyone was angry and I woke up right as I was being cornered, about to be ushered into a police car that said Dulceina on the side. I have no idea why that would be on a cop car, unless the cops were huge fans of Don Quixote. But when I woke up from the dream in REAL life I realized first that my dream was in Spanish! Not all of it, but a lot. I finally crossed over to the Spanish-side. As I was waking up I was so tired and in such a funk that I thought that my roommates were actually going to be very angry with me for taking a nap, and I asked Nidia, who was sitting across the room from me, if she would forgive me. She asked, "Forgive you for what?"
"Oh... for taking a nap," I said. She laughed at me, and then I realized then that no one was actually mad at me for taking a nap. Strange feeling. After that I went to watch the kids at Living Water House because Julietta and Estuardo were at a meeting. While I was there with the kids I got my hair styled and makeup done by Jenni and Aura. I only looked a little bit like a clown, and it was fun, anyway. After Julietta and Estuardo came back, Julietta gave me acrylic nails. The only problem was that they were extremely long. In fact, I ended up taking them off later that night so that I could play the guitar. She also did my hair in this French braid that travelled down the back of my head in a snake pattern - it was beautiful. At the end of the night she gave me a beautiful pair of her earrings! It's just a cultural thing to just give people your things for no reason. Which I like. I think I'm going to bring that one home with me and just give my things to people. I felt so pampered! If this is missionary work, then I'm all in.
PURPOSE
I started out this morning with opening a letter from my mom. For those of you who don't know, my mom put together envelopes filled with letters - a stack for every month - and I got enough letters from my family and friends that I can open a letter every two or three days. These letters sit by my bed and I have to refrain from opening them all at once. God has already used the letters, day by day, to teach me something or make me feel loved at just the right moment. Anyway, in the letter from Mom I also got pictures of my family and I from our cruise this past summer. It was perfect. I hung them up right next to my bed so that I could see them constantly. I went to school, which was a lot better today than it has been all week. Maybe just because I didn't care as much today if I got all of the things done that I wanted to. All we did was sing and play games. Right in the middle of my day, I had a break and decided to take the opportunity to go and talk to Ivan while he's here. Ivan has a very fluid and natural connection with God and can see and hear things from God that other people just can't, or won't. He sees scripture written on people's skin and gives prophesies like no one I've ever met. His sermons never fail to bring me to tears. So I visited him with a specific question in mind."I feel like I am getting in my own way of hearing from God... so how do you stop that?" and he didn't even have to ask me what I meant.
"I'll tell you how. There are basically 4 things that I want you to do.
1) Examine and discuss with God what your REAL, TRUE motives are for doing something. Coming here, doing music, anything in your life. What are your motives? Lay them out there before God.
2) Do the revealed work of God. This is just taking baby steps every day to be more like God, which is the goal. So look at your Bible and decide the revealed work of God and then do it.
3) Memorize Romans 12:1-2, which says 'Therefore I urge you in view of God's mercy, to offer your body as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God. This is your true and pure worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing and perfect will.'
4) God just told me to tell you this, and these are His exact words, 'Sometimes doing what you hate produces what you love.' God hated that He had to sacrifice His Son, but Jesus' death produced what He loved...us. Sometimes you need a word to get you through doing something you hate. How do you feel about school?"
I laughed out loud. I hate school. I hate school so much. I would rather do anything in the world than go to school... and God just let me know that He totally gets it. I think that knowing what He said might be my encouragement to get through this college thing... because I know that being there will produce something that I love. Music, a family, who knows but God?
I spent the rest of the day sitting at a table, fasting and scouring the Bible. I made a 3 page list of the revealed work of God, and I know that there is more that I didn't even get to. I also wrote some pages of God's promises to us, and notes on things that I need to further investigate. I put off doing to motives because I know that I will have to be brutally honest with myself and that isn't an easy task generally. I want to believe that I'm great and that my motives are sound, but they probably aren't. After this I spent a few hours before dinner playing outside with the kids. This consisted of pushing Sephora, Blondie, Joaquin, and Karen on the swings and taking short breaks to run someone to the bathroom. Having my name called out from all sides by the kids made me laugh. It was rewarding and so were their delighted smiles as the "columpios" (swings) lifted their faces toward the blue skies. After dinner, I watched the new Footloose with the Genesis girls and made them laugh with my goofy dances, which I inhereted from my daddy. Thanks for teaching me so well, Dad.
I found that my time with God today revealed a lot to me, like my priveleges and opportunity to love and share because I know Jesus and the amazing blessings that God is waiting to give to me. God has a plan. Today as I searched and asked for my purpose, I learned that I have many purposes and that every day I will choose to walk in them or not. Today my purpose was to seek God, share joy, bring laughter, and push swings.
TIRE SWING
Bethany and Andrew are finally coming back today, and I can not wait. It will be so nice to have them back. I'm also excited because Mom is sending me a care package of the things that I didn't think to bring, and a new camera! Wassup! I started the day at school again, and found out that it really is more fun if I just don't expect anything out of the kids ever. I know that sounds bad, but if I don't expect things, then they don't disappoint me! And we can do what they want and I still get to teach them things. So we played and sang and played more until the end of the day. Thank God it's Friday, right? After having hamburgers for lunch, Kerry asked me to babysit her 5 kids. We had just started to watch Puss in Boots when Kerry came rushing in saying that classes were cancelled and that we were to run to the Frazers to blow up balloons and hide until their arrival to surprise them. It was a fun task to get 60 kids all the be quiet at the same time but we were able to surprise them and also pop all of the balloons which quickly put me on edge. There were over 100 balloons when we started out, and all of them were popped. Wow. After that I went with Gabby, Susy and Lucy to the tire swing park where I laughed more than I have since first coming here. Spinning, swinging, and flying our cares away. After that Ivan took us on a rollercoaster ride in the mule (which is just a glorified golf cart) which was very fun but also terrifying. Once I had safely exited the dangerous vehicle, I went to the Frazers to collect my things and my new camera. Thank God for those.. and also thank Mom and Dad. I LOVE SWEATPANTS!!!COSQUILLAS
//CO-SKI-YAS// (n.): 1. TICKLES
I have been lovingly named La Reina de Cosquillas by a few of the kids, which means the Tickle Queen. I can't really explain why except for, of course, the fact that my favorite thing to do is run around and tickle every unfortunate child that is in my path. Today, before starting the reign of tickle-terror, I woke up with a cup of coffee on the steps to the house. Every house looks out over the grand view of the fields and mountains and trees of Chimaltenango. It's a beautiful and refreshing way to wake up. I talked with Bethany for a little while and then cleaned up my room, finally, and then 30 minutes later joined her and the Jovenes to watch a movie called No Reservations. It was a sweet movie. I stayed for lunch and a game and then went home. However, my path was diverted and I was dragged into the soccer game with the kids and Ronald. Ronald is hilarious, because he knows just enough English to have a conversation, but is incorrect enough to make it really funny. With his Guatemalan accent he says things like "You can do eeet!" and "It's a yoke!!" or "Good to try!" All of these things make me laugh so hard that I have trouble kicking the ball, but it's fun. I went to tickle war after the game with two of the new kids. They were so beat up at their last orphanage that they still have burns, marks, bruises, and cuts all over them. Their faces are scarred and they have blisters on their arms. My friend Julietta said that one of them told her one day, "Thank you for giving me bread and not beating me." Wow. But as we roll around on the grass and laugh and scream and chase, I can only see pure joy. Scars mark their bodies, but not their hearts. They are good kids, and their laughter is the sweetest way I can think of to finish up my day as the sun sets.
SUNDAY
Sometimes I just get tired of Spanish. It's fun, most days, to realize that I just had an entire conversation or understod a full hour and a half sermon in Spanish, but some days I just want to shut off my brain for a little while. Like today. After church I go to the house and find out the reason that my friend Sonya was so dressed up today - it's her birthday. She told me this news and then laid down next to me on my bed and started crying, because no one remembered (although later on I found out that she just hadn't told anyone when her birthday was). THIS is not happening. So I distracted Sonya by sending her on an errand and then left the house to round up her sisters and friends, some balloons and some ice cream. We hid outside until she had finally shut herself in her room, and then we took over the kitchen and family room of the house, blowing up balloons and decorating, making cake, spaghetti, and garlic bread. When she came out of the room she was delightfully surprised and as we ate we eac\h told Sonya something that we love about her. Then we prayed for her. We spent the rest of the day watching 3 movies, eating cake, and loving Sonya. I believe that birthdays are meant to be celebrated. That's why we say "Happy Birthday." Because it should be happy. It should be celebrated. And so we celebrated. Today my heart was filled up, because I love, love, love giving things like that to other people. But today I also really missed my own friends and family, and wished they were here. I called Maggie and Courtney. I love them so much.HEADACHE
I woke up and was absolutely exhausted. Somehow through eyes half-way shut I made it out of bed and to the school. I went to the preschool first thing and we ended up doing stretches and then playing a game where everyone layed on the floor and cuddled with Kellie while we took turns pointing out colors in a painting of some bugs. That's when I knew that school wasn't happening today. Then out of no where aquired a sudden headache that turned into a pretty fierce migraine and had to go home where I hid from the sun all day sleeping and reading. In my brain some days I'm like, "Wow, you're really pushing the limits here in this country where you came to serve. Good job, staying in bed all day avoiding people. You're pretty great. Good thing you're here, so that you can relax because you're sick all the time. You're a true missionary. NOT." It's just so frustrating because I want to have all the energy in the world and to be able to be with these kids all the time, but my body just isn't catching up with me. I'm exhausted, and I feel useless. Some days I just want to quit and come home - it would be so easy. And staying here is just hard sometimes. But I think that's exactly the reason why I have to stay. Nobody said it would be easy... and anything that's hard to finish is worth finishing. Can't give up just yet. The other day my dad told me "We just want you to have a great experience." It made me think of the word great. Great is different than good... great doesn't actually always mean good. Great can also mean significant. Alexander the Great wasn't named that because he was such a good guy... it was because he made a difference. I know that my time here has already been significant... it's made a difference in me and exceeded everything that I thought it would be. Not to say that it's been good, or easy, or like a dream, but it's been real-life, challenging, and great. I wouldn't give this up for anything.DESCANSA
Apparently, I didn't rest enough yesterday, so the Guatemalan government decided to give me a day off officially, and also included every other teacher or employed person... how thoughtful of them. So, again, I just got a day to relax and hang out around the house. Pancakes for breakfast, watching movies literally all day with the Genesis girls, and reading a lot. After lunch I walked to the fire pit and wrote and sang and was alone with God for a while. We talked about some things. I finally wrote that paper about motivations. Very interesting excersize, I think. I would have spent more time there but I was spooked away from solitude when I heard something hissing in the weeds behind me. I grabbed my notebooks and Bible and slowly, slowly backed away on tiptoes until I was far enough away to turn around and sprint for my life, away from what was probably only a cockroach or some tiny animal. Anyway, I spent the rest of the afternoon reading The Help, which is a pretty great book, and a book about interior designing. Since it was everyone's day off, there wasn't big group workout, so we just did it in our own house instead. Then a few hours were spent dancing - and yes, I did say hours. They love, love, love dancing here. So they danced around and then laughed at my attempts to dance. At first they had started out trying to teach me, but it ended up with me teaching them how to dance like a complete dork, just like I do in my kitchen at home. We had a couple of good laughs. Later on, I was working on writing this blog on the computer and fell asleep. I woke up to Nidia putting my computer safely on my suitcase-bedside-table and pulling my blankets up around me. Sometimes culture comes between me and these people, but one thing that we do have in common is love. It's just all about loving people. That's it. That's the secret key to saving the world. Love. And guess what is interesting about that! God... is... love.FIELD DAY
So it was field day today. As a celebration of the finals that the kids took last week, we had a big old party. I wasn't actually planning on being a part of the maddness. I really just wanted to take pictures and be out there with the little kids for a while. So I put on some shorts and a white tanktop over a purple tank top and my bright red TOMS Shoes, and headed out. That is probably the dumbest thing I have ever thought. Things I should have considered:1) these kids are playing with water and mud today.
2) they are most definitely going to get me completely soaked.
3) they will want me to play with them.
4) I should not wear this white shirt.
5) I should put on some sunscreen.
BUT since I didn't actually think of any of those things, I headed on down the hill and started taking pictures, and everything followed in this order:
1) The kids were playing with water and mud.
2) Within three minutes they got me completely soaked. **Don't worry, my camera was not nearby!**
3) They wanted me to play with them. I did, of course, and had the best time. We ran obstacle courses through waterslides and crawling through mud and jungle gyms, played water balloon wars, played soccer, had a snack, and then played on the huge hillside-waterslide.
4) My white shirt became a nice beige/gray colored shirt.
5) I got a wicked sunburn. Sorry Mom. I mean, it HURTS. Burns, man. I have been putting on aloe vera like there's no tomorrow. Now I'm avoiding the sun like the plague because the pain is ridiculous. Watching Puss in Boots with the little kiddos.
Aside from the sunburn and a shortage of bleach for my previously white tank, today was incredible. I loved every minute of it. I have some pictures of the madness but none of them can actually capture how much laughter and fun actually happened. These kids are wonderful, and everyone here is just... amazing. A great day burning my skin in Guat., but I can't lie - I'm looking forward to a great night's sleep.
The things that I can write do not ever actually suffice to explain the challenges, emotions, and love that I am greeted with every day here. It is so different than I expected. But as I said to a friend last ngiht, just because it's different than I expected doesn't mean that it's bad. Yes, some days are harder than others. Some days I cry and some days I laugh. This friend and I, however, have been discovering that maybe it's a good idea just to not have expectations like that. If I can get rid of my expectations for today, I won't be disappointed when it's different than I thought it would be. Different doesn't mean bad. It just means different. Every single thing about Guatemala is not what I expected it would be. But it is so good. It's probably one of the best things I could have done to myself to grow and change and learn... I needed this. I still need this. But even though this not-so-short blog can't explain fully everything that I am experiencing and learning here, I hope that my words can at least put paint to my days, filled with the love, joy, peace and confidence that I am being given from these children, from God. I wish you were here, that you could walk this incredible road with me. But I am realizing that some roads are just meant to be walked alone... with God.
I love you from 2,473 miles away.
xoxo,
Kellie
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